06/13/18 - Beginning Again
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
06/13/18 – so what I’m noticing from going through March 2007’s blogs – the main thing – is that I wrote blogs OFTEN in the beginning, at least every couple of days, and often 2-3 times per day if I really needed to. I haven’t written a blog (other than this morning) since 4/29/2018. That was titled “NO EXCUSES - what are your goals?”. Well, I can tell you, I’ve had more excuses than goals, and the few goals I have set I haven’t reached. I’m basically right where I started 11 years ago, with the only exceptions being I no longer drink, I’m no longer with Alex (I’m happily married now), and I don’t do drugs or smoke cigarettes anymore. I’ve battled my demons and won – EXCEPT FOR FOOD.
This is my breakfast and snacks today. NOT BAD. This is not a typical breakfast. Lately I’ve been eating protein bars like they’re candy bars, and donuts, so many donuts, and cookies, and banana peanut butter chip bread, or whatever else people bring to work. I have a sedentary job now (I work at a law office - my dream job!) and along with that comes FREE FOOD. It’s not free, though, I pay for it in the fact that I’m now again at 190+ pounds.
I have heartburn, my clothes don’t fit, I hate the way I look, I have no endurance, and I can’t keep up with my husband, who is somewhat overweight himself, but in MUCH better shape than me. I walk (sometimes) but I've completely given up running, and I sometimes go to the gym, it's not consistent. When I walk I think I do okay.
My name is Stephanie and I am a FOOD ADDICT. In the same way I struggled to quit drinking 11 years ago, I now struggle to eat “just one” cookie. Yeah, right. That NEVER happens. I never eat “one donut”, I eat four (or as many as I can get away with without my co-workers noticing – now there is shame associated with my eating habits). At home I sneak food when my husband is putting my stepson to bed, because I don’t want him to know how much I’m eating. He doesn’t judge – he’s lost 200+ and knows the struggle – but I’m still embarrassed and don’t want him to see. I eat things in the middle of the night in the bathroom and he sees the wrappers in the morning. I hate that I do this but I can’t stop.