Friday, June 01, 2018
So back to you, Food.
I was so proud of all my accomplishments yesterday that I allowed myself over indulging night eating just as badly as before. So - time to get really honest here and confront you for all the mirrored betrayal YOU reflect.
I wrote yesterday that you are my defective substitute for feeling safe and that is hogwash! I am using you like the cigarette to squash down what I don't understand and can't cope with.
But because you have the important job of keeping me alive and are a pleasure in living, I simply can't make you out to be a pure villain!
What to do with a half good relationship that has an abusive component? If I had no options I would reject you 100% but that only causes another more acute danger. To say there are parts of you I can't ever have is not something I'm willing to do, like divorce, never to have any further relationship. Sigh.
Just for today, can I make a commitment that I will hold off selecting certain foods just to see if I can do one day avoiding those? I'm not sure, since I have daily pledges that are similar, but by night if not before then, I've broken my vow. Demanding boundaries just hasn't cut it! What I can do is keep blogging to, you as I search for my willingness to come to terms with you, which I do manage to honor.
honor the passion in me to fly right
be patient and compassionate with me
easy does it and take note of any successes
I did walk around Wilde Lake 2 rounds this morning and have plans to bathe the dog and allow the part of me hating you to be acknowledged.