The Hardest Part of Ending is Starting Over Again
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
It's over. Its done. Both my Father and Father-In-Law have passed within 2 days of one another following grueling battles with Multiple Myeloma and Prostate cancer respectively. I've had a very hard time with grief. If my father had been abusive all the time, it would have been easier to go through. My mother has just about pushed me over the edge of sanity with her co-dependency and passive aggression. She's having a hard time adapting without her partner in dysfunction.
Right before Christmas, my worst fears for my troubled oldest daughter were realized. Her husband is in jail for spousal abuse and she is pregnant with her third child in 3 years. It's been challenging, but she is finally taking a crack at "adulting." I know not to expect perfection, but I'm hopeful she can function as a responsible adult and parent for a while.
I'm the local one so my sisters and cousin expected me to take care of things. This is on top of juggling three kids still at home and helping my husband who just started his own business and is working a full time contract as well to help build it. Under the crushing weight of these demands, I did not have the time, energy, or will to care for myself. I'm right back where I started, but older and more worn out.
No more. I need to be my priority because I don't want to live like this anymore. My Dear Daughter (2), the oldest still at home, told me it's time for me to say to Hell with everyone else and take care of myself first, because if I keep going on like I have I won't be around for everyone to demand it of me for long. She's right.
We're heading to North Carolina to lay my FIL to rest and will be back this weekend. I started over today anyway. I'll make the best of the 14 hour car trip tomorrow and Saturday, The hotel has a pool and fitness room. I'm bringing protein bars, water, and a shaker bottle for my protein shakes. I'm going to be selfish and spend as much time as I need at the gym or walking and logging my food, water and activity on Fitbit and Sparkpeople. I plan to schedule with my counselor as soon as we get back.
The hardest part of ending is starting over again, but I'm really looking forward to it.