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Finding my voice...

Sunday, May 27, 2018

My silence is my prison Wrought by my own hands Caught in my history Which spreads like spider webs Into tight spaces Or flung across vast chasms I do not cry or weep As I follow the web Which must be my guide Eternally leading me toward My purpose here I cannot find my voice Amid the clamor The pieces are not lost Only misplaced I cannot express How much the struggle To find my path to myself Leaves me Voiceless... -Chandra Woolson There are days the constant struggle to find/maintain the most authentic person I can be is so difficult that I find myself so wrapped up in fighting myself/society/self image/perceptions/the world/my illnesses.., that I lose my voice, my ability to communicate what’s happening in my heart and mind. If I were trying to be funny I might call it a laryngitis of the soul... which is rather accurate actually, because it can be treated with time and attention and attitude (not necessarily in that order). If I pay attention I can see where I am stifling myself in my attempt to constantly fight everything. Then if I change my attitude from one of being the adversary to one of acceptance and love for myself as I am right now. And then if I give myself the time to slowly make the changes that make me feel even better about myself the constant fight, the constant pain and stress of struggling is mitigated... I did not say eliminated! I find a lot of life is about struggle. But why make the internal struggle all-encompassing? I found this to be true of the journey here on SparkPeople too. The change from the sedentary shut-in who hid inside the morbidly obese body fighting for sanity, for life with every wheezing breath... to the woman who despite new medical challenges and family loss, strives to maintain the inner and outer balance of goal weight maintenance, family demands, and voluntary interactions with friends (thanks to the assistance of my ESA the Cooper-dog!). There are still days the inner/outer balance is off and my struggle leaves my feeling voiceless, but more often I think/feel/understand/speak the truth that is in my heart and mind. Whether it is with my family and friends here IRL... or with my sparkly friends. Weight loss wasn’t merely about shedding pounds for me, though I shed a lot of them, it was also about regaining my voice... and sense of personal power and control. When I am silent too long here on SparkPeople (or IRL) I start to return to that feeling of voicelessness, of my pieces being misplaced. This week’s living the good life challenge in the 5%challenge is to blog every day. This is a good reminder to me to stay on top of it and keep my voice heard, whether anyone actually reads my blog or not... I have put my thoughts into words and put it out into the world. It exists somewhere other than in my own head, and my voice exists. Speaking of the 5% challenge... last I knew it was still taking new members if you’re interested. It’s fun and helps keep me (you?) accountable for 8 weeks... you just have to keep in my mind that it IS an active team and participation is expected! I have found my voice and continue to find new directions to follow... have you found your voice?
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