SUNSETINAZ

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Thinking about my friend, but really about me

Wednesday, May 02, 2018

As you (my longtime friend) know, letting go is the most challenging feat there is. Even if you move, you bring your mindset and heart with you. Or at least I did. My place stayed reasonably neat for about three months. I have had to have a 'come to Jesus' moment where I was brutally honest with myself. Without day-to-day changes, the rebelling child in me was going to continue to be messy. SIGH!

For me, the trick is to get from awareness into action. I almost need a buddy to hold me to task. Unfortunately, according to my therapist, that buddy has to be me. Damn it. Why do I have to be the responsible one for me????? but, if I truly want this to change, I have to value myself enough to make this happen. So, the real question is: do I want to change or stay in my comfort zone? More often than not, comfort zone wins. I don't think that is healthy for me. Who am I kidding? I KNOW it's not. Apparently my 'come to Jesus' moment has come and I left. I laugh, but I feel a lot of shame - perhaps old messages from my parents, all of whom are dead.

Whether motivated by pride or shame, I'm going to deal with one pile of papers today and I am not going to binge buy. One thing in, two things out. I'll let you know how it goes. No excuses.
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