5 years? What?
Wednesday, May 02, 2018
Yeah. It's been over five years since I last posted. After watching my mom die in 2010, I got to watch my dad spiral downward the next two years. He stopped going to the doctor, stopped getting treatment for his prostate cancer and, as a result, died from what is actually a relatively easy cancer to control. Rough.
After that, I began having problems with my job. As a quality assurance person (software testing, to be specific), it is a never ending nightmare to work for an organization that considers what you do to be "frivolous." It is emotionally and functionally damaging. I spent eight years with that company and in that time, none of my skills were used and, as a result, stagnated. When I finally said "enough" and started looking for a job, I quickly realized that my field had moved on and I was, even with twenty years of experience, unqualified for anything other than healthcare IT.
Cue emotional eating. In the last couple years on the job, I gained almost forty pounds. It has taken its toll on every aspect of my life. My husband and I, we do okay, and he is incredibly supportive. He truly loves me and is attracted to me no matter what size I am. I, on the other hand, do not feel attractive, and I struggle with this every day. I remember reading a character in a book saying, "If you don't feel attractive, then you bloody well aren't attractive." I can't remember which book it was, but I do remember thinking that it made sense. How you feel about yourself gets projected out in the way you dress and the way you carry yourself. It matters whether you like yourself or not.
My wonderful husband also gave me permission to quit my job and go back to school. I have been in school for two years, and I finally feel like I'm getting back to the old me. Problem is, I have all this extra padding that I don't want. What to do about that?
This last week, I tracked EVERYTHING. It has been years since I have made that much effort on it. The good news is that my dog and I walk three miles every day, and my husband and I go to the gym together at least twice a week. I'm pretty active. I just need to get a handle on my eating.
So... here's to do-over number... eh, who cares. I'm going to keep calling "do-over" as long as it takes to get healthy.