Doing What Needs Doing
Saturday, April 14, 2018
I told myself back in December/January that I was going to start taking care of myself again. I've been doing my best to do so in any number of ways. Am I doing anywhere near as good as I'd fantasized I would be? Of course not. But, one of the biggest improvements I've made is in forgiving myself.
It's been a rough 7 months. A very long 7 months. Some days I still feel like Vicque's death hasn't fully registered yet. Yes I've had a handful of times I've broken down and cried, or I cry a little whenever I hear Goo Goo Dolls "Iris" (which was the song she & her hubby had their first dance too on their wedding day), but I still feel like I'm stuck in shock most days. I know all too well that there is not true timeline to grief and that every event has its own path. Still I just feel off.
I'm still working at Papa John's. I was hoping to have gotten back into doing massages by now but, at least I still have a job. Hubby started working there too just before the Super Bowl back at the end of January. Which reminds me, the driver I'd posted about back in January did pass away within a day or so of that post. That sucked too.
With weather warming up I'm making a more conscious effort to make smarter food choices because I know I'll be getting out there and making myself walk to start my training for November. I will need every last day I can use before November.
I've forgiven myself for not doing as well as I wanted myself to be doing by now. For me that isn't an easy thing. I have always been my own worst critic, my own frenemy if you will. But I've been trying more self-love than I've given myself in some time. And I can feel the difference. And it is helping. A little at a time, but it is helping. I need to let go of how good I did when I first started here back in 2012; my body is not the same as it was 6 years ago, I am not the same person I was 6 years ago. I need to focus on the here and now and take things day by day. I used to be such an optimist in life. I need that again.
I need to go check on my kids and settle in to wait for hubby to safely make it home. It's been raining kind of heavy on & off for about an hour now. I hope his night went a little better for him after I clocked out. Then we get to do it all again tomorrow.
Good Night Sparkers. Sweet Dreams to you.