Running scared with apologies
Thursday, March 22, 2018
On a Tuesday morning in January an accident at my home left me with yet another injury . My left Achilles tendon was severely damaged pulled sprained thankfully not torn though. Being shorthanded at work I could not be off work, home obligations meant no rest there . I had to adept to the injury and i did my best. Week after week passed and the foot was worst not getting any better . They thought a blood clot had set up in it and this changed things for me .
Six weeks after the injury I found myself sitting in the emergency room waiting in the chaos to find out if it in fact had a blood clot . My mind started racing through the journey I have been taking now for the past 7 years and I got scarred . You see every day brings me closer to the 50 year old mark . The prediction that I fight every day is that by the time I am 50 the pain in my feet will be so bad that i wont be able to walk . Sitting there I began to cry because it cant be over I have to be able to walk and run and play with me grandchildren . I thought to myself I have worked to hard to reach this point in my life . For 18 hours that day i freaked out and drove myself crazy about how I was going to live without being able to walk . Sometimes the mind really is your best friend worst enemy . They did the ultra sound and it did not have a blood clot however the Achilles was infected so i was put on antibiotics
Later that night I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself waiting on the doom to wrap me up and suck me in . Yes I have those moments I just dont usually let people see them because well honestly when strong is all you go that is what you are all the time and I know how strong and weak I am . I closed my eyes and let the dark encase me . I found that quiet place in neverland and just listened to my soul and when I woke up I knew what had to be done . I was tired of running scared with this injury, I was far from done but i had to run scared just a little longer . And for this I apologize to my team of the winter challenge because after the challenge ended I stepped away from the computer from all distractions .
Sometimes I have to call on those who are not here to give me strength, visualization is a great tool to use. I do this alone and that is fine but sometimes i have to have someone hold your hand and tell you can do it or someone to kick your a$$ into gear and this time i had to did deep and fight through severe pain to rehab the leg so I called someone to Neverland that could do both and would gladly do it . My dad the strongest man I have ever known. He was always compassionate but firm, strict but flexible . I needed him to help me make it back and I needed him to help me past this unrelenting fear i had .
So every morning the clock goes off and it is time to hit the gym . And as i walk out my door to my car deep in my soul my dad would say good morning now lets get to it . My workouts became 3 part : 1 part rehab exercises for the leg , 1 part weight training and then followed up with cardio . Restricted to using the eliptical machine which i hate dearly cardio was a challenge , The mantra became " this is what i have this what i do " . slowly i was coming back from this extreme injury and every day my dad woke me walked me and pushed me from deep in my soul . When I felt like the pain was to much He was there to say it isnt that you can do this it is that you will do this , you are only scared work past the fear . I know a lot of people dont believe that you can visualize like this and that is alright you do what works for you .
This morning is the first time I have logged on to my laptop in over a month now. and Today I am stronger and better than was even before the last challenge . I am tired because life is non stop for me but it is so good to be back in what is my personal form . I appreciate spark people and all that they add to my life and i never take my time here for granted however sometimes it is about stepping a way from the laptop and finding your fight again .