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For Jeanne... and anyone else (ME!) in the midst of a 'season of the soul'

Sunday, March 04, 2018

In no particular order...

Feeling/being the "odd man out" all of my life has brought some of the most amazing gifts and experiences to my life. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

Truthfully, I much prefer to hang with those who also march to the beat of a different drum along the road less traveled. The journey is more interesting, the scenery much more inspiring, and the sharing infinitely more rewarding and FUN.

Here at SparkPeople (and pretty much everywhere, LOL) I've always been the oddball, tilting at windmills, and challenging conventional status quo; yet I seem to have met many like-minded people here (and a few in real life), and I feel very blessed. I'm especially glad to be sharing the journey with YOU!

I always say that I'm an acquired taste, and at this juncture in my life, I don't worry about who may or may not "bite." I do, however, get really tired of fighting for the right and space in my life to simply be without judgement/recrimination... or even just having to constantly set boundaries. My last six months have been especially painful in this respect... in real life, and to a certain extent here on SparkPeople as well.

As a result I've struggled to take care of myself.
I've struggled to feel deserving... of anything.
I've struggled to be out and about... always anticipating the next salvo, not knowing from where it would come.
I've struggled to keep my goals and priorities on track.
I've begun to doubt myself, and have had to work very hard to continue to trust myself.
I've been lonely (though I prefer this to beleaguered).

Eventually, the hurts and bruises began to diminish, and the grace and glory of my life is once again shining through such that I am able to breathe more freely again.

Feeling misunderstood is by far the worst of it, and is taking the longest to heal because truthfully, I wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part. I don't compartmentalize very well, so I'm not very good at manipulation or subterfuge. My intentions are generally quite obvious. Anyone knowing me for five minutes can see that I mean no harm on any level and that, in fact, I'm almost always trying to improve whatever circumstances are at hand, or I'm simply trying to meet my own needs as constructively as possible. I'm a teacher, healer and builder by nature.

However, I've come to see that people who choose to think the worst of me, despite no ill intention on my part, are simply using me to project their own issues outward, and to deflect responsibility from themselves. Not my problem, as it turns out. Any expectation they may have that I should always sacrifice myself on the alter of the needs/wants of everyone else is ludicrous. I've never felt called to be a doormat/sacrifice. No one is. My purpose here is not make sure that everyone else remains comfortably unchallenged.

So, I refuse to let the judgments and expectations of others define who/how I'm going to be in this world.

...And even though I've struggled, and am still struggling, I'm mostly winning. Having to struggle is the human condition. Struggling isn't an invitation to quit.



Let's not worry about all the rest, and be FLAWSOME together!

To that end, I pray that you may find peace within and all around you. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content. May the presence of Perfect Love settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

May God always and abundantly bless you, and those you love, in every way that you require. May he hold you gently in the palm of his hand in a very personal way, and may you rest in the fullness of his love, his grace, his strength, his wisdom, his rescue, his redemption, his healing, his inspiration, his restoration and his mercy as you require it! May you carry in your heart always an extra special awareness of how deeply you are loved, and may you see his miracles all around you. Amen!

{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}

Why I'm Still Here... my SparkJourney Saga

No more Mrs. Doubtfire... or Picture UPDATE at nearly 100 lbs. ELIMINATED!

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Losing a Lot of Weight

How I Am Eliminating 'EXCESS Weight'

CICO Shove Off! 'New Kid on the (Nutritional) Block' Hits Mainstream

(ponder this some and you come to see this SPARKjourney in a whole new light)

I continue to maintain for the most part (I managed one year at the same weight, and for the last five months and counting (hopefully DOWN, now) within 20 pounds of that... life has remained too hectic to do anything else.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself to revert to some old habits for the last six months (fruit and higher carb), and I'm now having to repair the metabolic damage (read: INFLAMMATION) which ensued. I've stayed within 20 pounds of my lowest weight (155 lbs.) and yo-yo'd up and down within that margin. I've been able to still wear most of my clothes, but I haven't felt all that well, and by the time January 2018 rolled around I was just tired, and felt defeated. I also felt a really strong urge to just walk away from this journey and call it a day (10 years is a long time to be continuously vigilant). However, that would be letting those who would judge me, and hurt me, and unfairly complicate my life... WIN... and that I can't live with.

Staying engaged HERE, no matter what (even if it's far, far in the background) has made all of the difference, too. It's impossible to not remain inspired and encouraged in spite of yourself when you remain connected to those who also struggle, and win.

(If you don't have friends here who are doing that... find some new friends! Seriously.)

So, as of a week ago, and even though life isn't much more comfortable, I've once again recommitted to eliminating body fat. I've decide to "fake it until I make it" and go through the motions I know work for me (KETO/fasting)... no enthusiasm required... just good habits and faithfulness to the process. I'd like to say that my feelings have caught up with my effort this week, but I'm not quite there... YET! I do, however, really like how my body feels after just a week of renewed focus, and I feel lighter in spirit. That's enough for now.

I'm journaling the specifics of my keto/fasting journey here, if you're interested:

Isn't it funny how self-care seems to be foundational to meaningful change.

(I started my journey at 250 lbs. & over 50% BMI... Obese Class III)

(...it's best to never forget from whence you came. Those who don't acknowledge history are doomed to repeat it.)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow! What a journey that blog just was. Can relate on so many levels. Thank you for sharing all of that and I hope your renewed focus is gaining momentum along with the good feelings that come with it. Hugs
    595 days ago
  • BERRY4
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    My favorite of the GREAT quotes: "Give the gift of your absence to those who do not appreciate your presence."
    Here's hoping that you will find renewal within and without. You have many blessings close at hand. Hold them tight and let their love envelope you in those inside parts.

    And your prayer blessing at the close is so very well expressed for all of us with "holes" needing to be filled in a way that only God can.
    636 days ago
    emoticon Thank you for persisting.
    637 days ago
    emoticon Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve found such a meaningful share of thoughts, concepts, motivation, and encouragement for all. This blog probably wasn’t meant to be a “one-stop shop”, but then again, maybe it was....it’s a plate full of wonderful food for the soul. Thank You! You are an amazing writer!

    You = FLAWSOME
    638 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/6/2018 11:50:10 PM
    OMG, Ramona. You are soooooo spot on. I am flawsome, adn you know what . . . . it's AWESOME! We are who we are and that's who He means for us to be. This is a fantastic reinder of that. THATNK YOU!

    Hugs and love. And prayers!
    640 days ago
    Fake it until I make it! Keep moving forward!

    emoticon emoticon
    640 days ago
    I join the Flawsome club and I thank my parents for giving me the tools to be that person. I now have Flawsome children of my own and small grandchildren who are well on their way.
    Ramona, I am glad that you have weathered stormy times in your life and that you are back! emoticon emoticon
    640 days ago
    Wow. Thanks!
    640 days ago
    Life's complications have made my journey rough for the last 6 months and I am also working on not just Sparking on the fringes but being more actively involved. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts, I am going to make an effort to "straighten my crown" more often. emoticon
    640 days ago
    emoticon nice blog and your so right, We are all fearfully and wonderfully made, follow your own path!
    640 days ago
    Hubby tells me that I am a rough diamond ... a true diamond in its natural form. I haven't allowed lifetorub me down. Gotta love this guy.

    Keep moving forward.
    640 days ago
  • DESIREE672
    Those are some of my favorite quotes and I love the Churchill one! Thank you for the encouragement to all of us.

    You are awesome!
    640 days ago
    640 days ago

    Did you hear? I am "Flawesome!" Yes, I have been told that I am "Flawesome!" And, you are too because you're the one who told me!

    You're BEAUTIFUL, Ramona and you ALWAYS have been and I have missed seeing you around. Thank you for this Fantastic blog!


    - Nancy Jean -
    640 days ago
    This statement called out to me in the dark: "Isn't it funny how self-care seems to be foundational to meaningful change." After a lifetime of self-doubt and self-abuse through compulsive overeating, drinking, excessive dieting, over-exercising, anorexia--I get glimmers sometimes of the truth of your words, and I realize that this will go on and on until deep down I commit to taking care of myself. Your prayer, beginning with "To that end..," brought me peace today, and I thank you for that. I hope your program continues to make you feel better in body and mind.

    640 days ago
  • LINDA!
    Great blog.
    640 days ago
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    641 days ago
    I too love FLAWSOME!
    641 days ago
    I just LOVE "Flawesome" and yup, describes me too. And: I am absolutely NOT addicted to the approval of others. I don't seek out controversy or contentiousness but I've got no trouble asserting what I think when necessary: without concern about the consequences.
    641 days ago
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