For Jeanne... and anyone else (ME!) in the midst of a 'season of the soul'

In no particular order...

































Feeling/being the "odd man out" all of my life has brought some of the most amazing gifts and experiences to my life. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

Truthfully, I much prefer to hang with those who also march to the beat of a different drum along the road less traveled. The journey is more interesting, the scenery much more inspiring, and the sharing infinitely more rewarding and FUN.

Here at SparkPeople (and pretty much everywhere, LOL) I've always been the oddball, tilting at windmills, and challenging conventional status quo; yet I seem to have met many like-minded people here (and a few in real life), and I feel very blessed. I'm especially glad to be sharing the journey with YOU!

I always say that I'm an acquired taste, and at this juncture in my life, I don't worry about who may or may not "bite." I do, however, get really tired of fighting for the right and space in my life to simply be without judgement/recrimination... or even just having to constantly set boundaries. My last six months have been especially painful in this respect... in real life, and to a certain extent here on SparkPeople as well.

As a result I've struggled to take care of myself.
I've struggled to feel deserving... of anything.
I've struggled to be out and about... always anticipating the next salvo, not knowing from where it would come.
I've struggled to keep my goals and priorities on track.
I've begun to doubt myself, and have had to work very hard to continue to trust myself.
I've been lonely (though I prefer this to beleaguered).

Eventually, the hurts and bruises began to diminish, and the grace and glory of my life is once again shining through such that I am able to breathe more freely again.

Feeling misunderstood is by far the worst of it, and is taking the longest to heal because truthfully, I wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part. I don't compartmentalize very well, so I'm not very good at manipulation or subterfuge. My intentions are generally quite obvious. Anyone knowing me for five minutes can see that I mean no harm on any level and that, in fact, I'm almost always trying to improve whatever circumstances are at hand, or I'm simply trying to meet my own needs as constructively as possible. I'm a teacher, healer and builder by nature.

However, I've come to see that people who choose to think the worst of me, despite no ill intention on my part, are simply using me to project their own issues outward, and to deflect responsibility from themselves. Not my problem, as it turns out. Any expectation they may have that I should always sacrifice myself on the alter of the needs/wants of everyone else is ludicrous. I've never felt called to be a doormat/sacrifice. No one is. My purpose here is not make sure that everyone else remains comfortably unchallenged.

So, I refuse to let the judgments and expectations of others define who/how I'm going to be in this world.

...And even though I've struggled, and am still struggling, I'm mostly winning. Having to struggle is the human condition. Struggling isn't an invitation to quit.















I am FLAWSOME!

YOU are FLAWSOME!

Let's not worry about all the rest, and be FLAWSOME together!


To that end, I pray that you may find peace within and all around you. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content. May the presence of Perfect Love settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

May God always and abundantly bless you, and those you love, in every way that you require. May he hold you gently in the palm of his hand in a very personal way, and may you rest in the fullness of his love, his grace, his strength, his wisdom, his rescue, his redemption, his healing, his inspiration, his restoration and his mercy as you require it! May you carry in your heart always an extra special awareness of how deeply you are loved, and may you see his miracles all around you. Amen!

{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}
Ramona









Why I'm Still Here... my SparkJourney Saga
www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
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No more Mrs. Doubtfire... or Picture UPDATE at nearly 100 lbs. ELIMINATED!
www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
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What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Losing a Lot of Weight
www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
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How I Am Eliminating 'EXCESS Weight'
www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
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CICO Shove Off! 'New Kid on the (Nutritional) Block' Hits Mainstream
www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
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(ponder this some and you come to see this SPARKjourney in a whole new light)



I continue to maintain for the most part (I managed one year at the same weight, and for the last five months and counting (hopefully DOWN, now) within 20 pounds of that... life has remained too hectic to do anything else.

Unfortunately, I've allowed myself to revert to some old habits for the last six months (fruit and higher carb), and I'm now having to repair the metabolic damage (read: INFLAMMATION) which ensued. I've stayed within 20 pounds of my lowest weight (155 lbs.) and yo-yo'd up and down within that margin. I've been able to still wear most of my clothes, but I haven't felt all that well, and by the time January 2018 rolled around I was just tired, and felt defeated. I also felt a really strong urge to just walk away from this journey and call it a day (10 years is a long time to be continuously vigilant). However, that would be letting those who would judge me, and hurt me, and unfairly complicate my life... WIN... and that I can't live with.

Staying engaged HERE, no matter what (even if it's far, far in the background) has made all of the difference, too. It's impossible to not remain inspired and encouraged in spite of yourself when you remain connected to those who also struggle, and win.

(If you don't have friends here who are doing that... find some new friends! Seriously.)

So, as of a week ago, and even though life isn't much more comfortable, I've once again recommitted to eliminating body fat. I've decide to "fake it until I make it" and go through the motions I know work for me (KETO/fasting)... no enthusiasm required... just good habits and faithfulness to the process. I'd like to say that my feelings have caught up with my effort this week, but I'm not quite there... YET! I do, however, really like how my body feels after just a week of renewed focus, and I feel lighter in spirit. That's enough for now.

I'm journaling the specifics of my keto/fasting journey here, if you're interested:
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Isn't it funny how self-care seems to be foundational to meaningful change.


(I started my journey at 250 lbs. & over 50% BMI... Obese Class III)

(...it's best to never forget from whence you came. Those who don't acknowledge history are doomed to repeat it.)