My heart has been heavy lately because I've been thinking, sorting emotions, and letting go of things that have been long over due. I am in the midst of the storm knowing that the reward at the end of this hard work will be an airy lightness....and growth.
On top of all of processing our sweet little Klunk kitty pass away suddenly. We do not know why or how. He was a stray G saved from a ditch many years ago, but we never knew his real age. He always so petite and his fur remained black with no hint of grey. He started acting off on Friday, but was still eating and drinking. I didn't think anything of it because he sometimes goes weird due to being picky about food or the litter. By Saturday he had a light scent of death so I knew whatever was happening was going to be soon. Oddly, his eyes were clear and though a little off he still acted like himself. He was drinking some and eating some. He passed away in his sleep curled in a little black ball in his bed. We are crushed. We had him cremated and he is now on the shelf with our other beloved friends (Loki, Klink, and Draco) that shared their lives with us.
Along with dealing with that over the weekend I am dealing with Besties crap as best as possible. It really is same crap different day with her. I am holding fast to boundaries, but she is skating on thin ice with everyone in the household....and she knows it. The good thing is with the income tax check we paid off 3 debts so that puts us half way to getting her out of here for good!
Then this week G and I got the news that a mutual friend of ours, that we adore, is struggling with her addiction recovery. She is doing well on the program, but she has illness due to her addiction. She has been hospitalized. Every time I hear any news (good or bad) I find myself shedding tears. I cannot help it. She is in such a battle for herself, for her marriage, and for her family. All I want to do is just hug her so hard and take it all away. She is hurting.
Of course you know me....on google researching how I can better support her. How I can give her space, but be there for her. She had a candid conversation with G yesterday telling him she has kept herself away from me (limited contact) because she doesn't want her "gross mess" to hurt me. She knows what I am going through with Bestie and the hurt it has caused. She told G she doesn't want to be another person to add to my hurt. That's why she tells G the "bad news" so he had break it to me and be there for me. (Please note: I am well aware her struggle is her own and I appreciate her being so thoughtful of me, but I choose to be present in her life good or bad.)
Honestly, all I want to do is sit at her bedside and hold her hand, but she is choosing to heal herself in her way and I must honor that. I do honor that, but I also remind her I AM HERE. I asked her what she needed from me and she said a visit after she gets out. I told her 100% I am there. In the mean time I have been crafting her get well goodies and sending her a lot of energy. She has my thoughts right now.
Her struggle touches me so deeply because I see a lot of myself in her in many ways just different avenues. She is very much a kindred spirit. Her fight has caused me to think about my own battles I need to face. There are things I need to do to better myself and though I am working on them I have not been ALL in.
My heart is heavy and yeah I am struggling...but I feel a growth spurt coming on.
I hope all is well!