Recovering from Mom's birthday
Thursday, January 25, 2018
Mom turned 70 yesterday, and we celebrated pretty hard ( with food) because she was certain she wouldn't live this long ( but I'm extremely glad she has.). It was a planned cheat day, and I don't feel nearly as guilty about it as I do when I feel full on a good diet day.... which I know is silly. When I was young, I'd go on diets and purposely deprive myself, and I understood hunger and being miserable as a fitting punishment for eating too much. In my senior year of high school, I starved myself down to 125 pounds, and I was furious when I eventually crept up to 135. I was 5'9 with a broad frame, and I looked thin enough at 135, but I wanted to be thinner. But I just couldn't take being hungry all the time, and back then my asthma was much worse, so I was lucky when I could walk while still being able to breathe. So by the time I graduated, I had been 135 for a while. Throughout college, I was about 145, which bothered me, but I was usually too busy to do much about it. ( I was still well within normal weight range) On the few times I did start diets, I still had the mindset of starving myself. And I hate hunger so much! I could never keep it up past a few months, because I would get so hungry I went on binges. I have to say, I'm so much more sensible about my diet now. I've read and read about the proper way to eat, I know how to mix exercise with a nutritious diet, and I try hard to get past old, negative and destructive habits. I know that having planned cheat days works for me, and that forgiving myself for not being perfect is important. Still, it's hard to get past some of the self-loathing. I know I deserve to feel full, but sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it. Even when I know it's because I've been eating smaller meals. I don't know why I can feel ok about cheat days but not about feeling full on regular days, but it happens.