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Recovering from Mom's birthday

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Mom turned 70 yesterday, and we celebrated pretty hard ( with food) because she was certain she wouldn't live this long ( but I'm extremely glad she has.). It was a planned cheat day, and I don't feel nearly as guilty about it as I do when I feel full on a good diet day.... which I know is silly. When I was young, I'd go on diets and purposely deprive myself, and I understood hunger and being miserable as a fitting punishment for eating too much. In my senior year of high school, I starved myself down to 125 pounds, and I was furious when I eventually crept up to 135. I was 5'9 with a broad frame, and I looked thin enough at 135, but I wanted to be thinner. But I just couldn't take being hungry all the time, and back then my asthma was much worse, so I was lucky when I could walk while still being able to breathe. So by the time I graduated, I had been 135 for a while. Throughout college, I was about 145, which bothered me, but I was usually too busy to do much about it. ( I was still well within normal weight range) On the few times I did start diets, I still had the mindset of starving myself. And I hate hunger so much! I could never keep it up past a few months, because I would get so hungry I went on binges. I have to say, I'm so much more sensible about my diet now. I've read and read about the proper way to eat, I know how to mix exercise with a nutritious diet, and I try hard to get past old, negative and destructive habits. I know that having planned cheat days works for me, and that forgiving myself for not being perfect is important. Still, it's hard to get past some of the self-loathing. I know I deserve to feel full, but sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it. Even when I know it's because I've been eating smaller meals. I don't know why I can feel ok about cheat days but not about feeling full on regular days, but it happens.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thanks! It is important.
    1044 days ago
    Good you could enjoy your planned cheat day and celebrate your Mom's 70th birthday! That's important!
    1044 days ago
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