Praying for hope and willingness
Sunday, January 07, 2018
I have been eating terribly for months, exceptionally poor choices involving a lot of sugar. I have health challenges that require daily self-care and routines that are time consuming and tedious to avoid cellulitis and other complications that would put me in the hospital. My beloved wife just celebrated 90 years on this earth and is in relatively good physical health, her Alzheimers seems to have slowed and that is great.
I have so much to be grateful for, and yet I know I have been running scared inside with no end in sight but more challenges and losses- just getting day to day is exhausting and depressing, and of course the diet I’ve been feeding myself is the absolute worst for anyone in this position.
After avoiding the scale for over a month, I finally had my DW drag it out and when I stepped on it, I was horrified. 395 pounds. That’s a 35 pound gain and I haven’t been in this place in over 15 yrs when I had my gastric bypass at 419 lbs. I feel sick at heart and so discouraged, beaten down.
I signed up for 6 mos weight watchers new Freestyle (online) program for some new information and ideas, but honestly I know exactly why I gained the weight... and yes it can and will come off, but my bigger concern is the underlying issue.
How do I honestly accept my life and circumstances in a healthy and hopeful way that will enable me to draw daily strength from gratitude for all the blessings and gifts I DO have. How do I accept or honor- acknowledge my deeper feelings and fears of loss, of self-limitation and health issues that can improve but not be cured or changed significantly.
I have all the love and supports of family, friends, home health care nurses who care deeply for me- I am the missing or weakest link, I am the source of the problem, my own worst enemy. I am praying for the gift of hope and trust that I am in God’s loving and active care-
My view of things tpright now is so limiting and claustrophobic. I really need help.