Denial Of Self (Stream-Of-Conscious
Wednesday, January 03, 2018
I'm notoriously obsessed with learning. The majority of my time is spent Googling some thing I randomly decided was important. Then I try to plan the new learned thing into my daily to-do's and end up overwhelmed and annoyed.
This year, with the desire to create my own Renaissance, I have decided to just put on the brakes on that for awhile. I know what my plan is with weight loss and fitness, so guess what: For the next 3 months, I am going to focus on doing those things, rather than the usual habit of using "Research" to get out of actual action.
I have a great job, even though I was terrified about a recent health thing and tried to quit. Luckily I have the best employer in the universe and he opted to keep me on in the system freeing me up to return whenever I was ready, so I am going to call him tomorrow and recommit to that. Honestly, I think I used that health thing as an excuse to deny myself something I didn't think I deserved (Please see previous posts for other times this pattern has reared it's hideous head).
I'm getting sick right now, and we are in the middle of an out-of-character for my area winter storm. I have opted to take my scheduled rest day and use it to just rest, rather than the walk I had planned for today.
I also decided to quit smoking, so I suppose it's a good thing I am currently getting iced into my home. It's a perfect excuse to avoid the store...
I have decided to sit down and ask myself (During my meditation) "Hey, Jess... What happens if you decide to just BE?"
Like, what if I just checked into my life and hung out awhile, rather than CONSTANTLY trying to learn a new lesson?
I have the tools I need, I just need to use them, and that's the fear. My fear of commitment to myself keeps me from accomplishing my goals.
So, here are my goals, in black and white, where many people can see them and know they exist and remind me that they matter:
* Lose 15 lbs in 90 days. (So far I've lost 1.6lbs - 13.4 to go!)
* Read a (fiction) novel this month that I haven't already read (Because I will reread my
favorite stuff if given the chance)
* Log my food everyday.
* One takeout meal a month.
* Organize my closet once and for all and quit mean-mugging the pile in the corner of it.
* 3 Excruciatingly honest blogs a week.