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XMAS TALE printed in U.S. Newspaper.. 1st prize! (1999)

Sunday, December 24, 2017

This is an article submitted to a 1999 'Louisville Sentinel' contest, to find out who had the
'wildest Christmas dinners'. This won first prize!

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of 'panty-hose' over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted, was for Santa to fill them!
What they say about Santa 'checking the list twice' must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor 'pantyhose' hung sadly empty.

One year, I decided to make his dream come true! I put on sunglasses and went in search of an 'inflatable Love-doll'.
They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore, downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!" and "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the 'Inflatable Doll' section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated Doll which could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on 'animal husbandry'. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, 'Louise' came to life!

My sister-in-law was in on the plan, let me in during the wee morning hours.

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies & drank the milk on a nearby tray, left out by the kids.

I returned home, and rose brightly on Christmas morning, with anticipation.

My brother phones me, & said 'Santa' had been and left a present which made him VERY happy, but had left the Dog confused!? She would bark, walk away, then come back and bark some more! We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so all the family could admire her on their arrival for our traditional Christmas dinner.

My Grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. (I kept my mouth shut.)

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that Turkey sure smells nice, Gran!" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to share an Ambulance ride, saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My Grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,

"Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him, she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later, I saw Grandpa by the mantel, talking to 'Louise' .. not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died or was dying, and who should be killed when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa!

The cat screamed! I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!
My brother fell back in his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed, a Christmas to treasure and remember!

Later, in the garage, we conducted a thorough examination to find the cause of Louise's demise. We discovered she had suffered a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a 'wonder drug' called 'duct tape', we restored her to perfect health!
I can't wait until next Christmas!

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