If you tuned in yesterday, then you know because my Christmas letter turns into more of a book, I am bringing this to you in installments. Note that this is the actual letter that my family and friends will be receiving this year (except you get a few extra pictures cuz you are special). Most of them know to expect a letter where I use absolutely no filters whatsoever. They just shake their heads and look at it as free bird cage liner.
Without further ado, here is the continuation of your own personal advanced copy:
1st brilliant thought: Why do we say “happy” in front of every holiday? Like “Happy Memorial Day”, seriously? I grit my teeth every time someone says it. I want to shout at them “Listen to yourself? What the heck do you mean by saying Happy?!? Do dead soldiers really make you happy?” So don’t say it, ever, or I will disown you. Now that that is off my chest…
I am writing this on Veterans Day, which is what made me think of that whole happy before the holiday thought. I am early in writing this because someone was having a bad day at work and requested it. As a people pleaser, I like to meet their needs. (BTW, am I the only person that thinks there needs to be an apostrophe in Veterans?) (Sorry, my inner grammar nerd is coming out. I will Google it and find out the answer. Too bad I didn't do that before this long winded diatribe.) (Yep, I still digress because my mind is a digression zone.) Now I don’t know why I get Veterans Day off. It makes me feel a little guilty. Like I am getting a gift I don’t deserve. (IXOYE). Not that I am going to refuse it mind you, but it has always felt a little odd. You can lump Columbus Day and Pulaski Day in there too.
2nd brilliant thought: I am a taxpayer. As a taxpayer, I believe I deserve my own road. Speed limit would be whatever I deem it. There I was driving along and this old guy in a Buick was going 10 under the limit. GET OFF MY ROAD! Then a young guy in a Corvette was only going 5 over the limit. It is a Corvette. I know it can go faster than that. GET OFF MY ROAD! Now I am behind an old dude in a red sedan. (I am not a car person, so I usually don’t know cars. Just be impressed that I knew red and sedan.) He has perfected the 5-minute turn. I am literally behind him yelling TURN! TURN! TURN! Again, GET OFF MY ROAD! Pace bus. Can’t they have their own lane? Don’t be letting people off at Dunkin Donuts. No one needs donuts. GET OFF MY ROAD! Police car that everyone artificially slows down for. Really people? Read the side. This isn’t even his jurisdiction. He is NOT going to stop you. ALL Y’ALL, GET OFF MY ROAD! Woman in cream colored Lexus SUV. Finally, someone is driving according to my rules of the road. She can stay. High five. Butterflies. Unicorns. Glitter. Oh yeah.
3rd brilliant thought: If I ever get a tattoo, it is going to be of Sonic the Hedgehog, and it is going to say “Gotta Go FAST!”. Bub thinks a Pac Man tattoo would be cooler. He says, and I quote, “Pac Man is the greatest, most complex, and profound character of all time.” So wrong, which is why Bub has to still live with me until he learns Sonic is way cooler than Pac Man. Doesn’t he know Pac Man turns into a whining banana when he dies? In what way is that cool? Bub says he turns inside himself because of his complex nature. Whatever.
4th brilliant thought: (Aren’t you glad I am labeling these for you so that you don’t get lost?) I am socially awkward. Anyone who has spent more than 5-minutes with me knows that. There are times where I can just see the look of confusion/discomfort on people’s faces. I wish Hallmark made a card that I could hand out. It would say “I apologize for this socially awkward moment. Believe me, it was as painful for me as it was for you. I was already riding on the awkward bus, and couldn’t figure out how to get off. Next time, don’t make eye contact and we may both be saved this uncomfortable interlude.” The first recipients would be my pastor, my cousins Jim and Marsha, the new superintendent at my school district, and anyone that has stood in line with me at the grocery store. (Maybe I need a card for Christmas letter recipients too?)
5th brilliant thought: If you know me, I am not a singer. When *Jack* and I were dating, I started singing with the radio. He reached over and turned the volume up to drown me out. It wasn’t a first date. If it had been, there wouldn’t have been a second date and Antelope and Bub would never have been born. Anyway, digressing, I have decided that I will no longer try to hide my singing in the car to my fellow road drivers by using my completely inadequate ventriloquist abilities. After all, it is my road, and if they don’t like it, they can GET OFF MY ROAD! Whoops, backtracking. I feel that if other people see me sing, dance, wave both hands, and use an air microphone while driving, I will actually be bringing something to their day. They will reach their destination and one of three things will happen: 1) I will have helped them find God. As they depart their car they will fall to the ground weeping and praising Jesus that they didn’t die; 2) They will have an amusing story to tell to others about the crazy lady in the other car; or 3) Out of fear they will find another road to take and I will have accomplished removing some drivers from my road.
See you tomorrow when I post the third installment.
**Post Script: I said I was going to check into that whole apostrophe in Veterans Day. It is because it is a day honoring Veterans, not a day that they own. What would I do without Grammar Girl and Google? The people that receive a hard copy of my letter are not going to know this since they are already printed. Guess they are just going to have to Google it on their own.