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I'm breaking into a million little pieces

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Hello there. This could be a bit long and not really weight/nutrition related...but it does have to do with my mental health.

A little background: I have a 17 year old daughter. She's headstrong. She's opposite me in just about everything in her personality. I'm quiet and keep to myself; she needs to be the center of attention, etc.

We have this friend - he just turned 28. He is the ex-boyfriend of a previous roommate I had. Prior to June of this year, we hadn't seen him in a few years. Anyway, we happened to run into him at a gas station, got to talking, and he entered our lives again. Now, before when he was dating my ex-roommate, I didn't know him all that well - I still don't.

Anyway, he read a book and now considers himself an empath. I read the same book and while I wouldn't consider myself an empath, I do have traits that are listed in the book. HOWEVER, it's ONE book and I've become a bit of a pessimist. He and my daughter talk - every day - sometimes for hours at a time, several times a day.

We were all going to the gym together a few times a week. About a month ago, he tried to convince me that I was bringing him down at the gym and I wasn't properly motivated (I'm not sure how because when you have 3 people doing the same exercise, there's some wait time, so I was always trying to keep them moving - they would stop and chat, keep my heart rate up, and do another exercise between my sets). I kindly told him that I needed to distance myself from him in the gym because my goals weren't the same as his. I started weight training several months after him, and yet I was expected to be at his level within a month of us starting weight training together? And he told me that I wasn't pushing myself enough to his liking.

I really internalized his words and they made me feel like a horrible person. I allowed an outside influence to alter my own self worth - again.

Anyway, I haven't talked to him in a month. My daughter still talks to him. She asked me if I would make her stop. I told her she could keep talking to him as long as he was helping her, not manipulating her (there's a fine line) and as long as he didn't alter how she sees me or influences our relationship.

Well, she talks to and vents to him about me. :-( I don't think it's right and I've asked her to stop discussing me with him. And lately, she's been withdrawn, snapping at me for the smallest things, and shutting me out. We're fighting more.

Last night she was on the phone with him (again!) after I went to bed. She left the hall light on, and I heard her voice, so I opened my door quietly and listened for a few minutes. I heard her say "she's depressed" and something about all of the fighting - I couldn't hear everything she said, but it was clear she was talking to him about me and us again.

I can forbid her to speak to him, but she'll find a way to talk to him and hide it more. She keeps telling me that I refuse to let her grow up. She's my baby - my first baby is a sophomore in college. It's not that I refuse - she has anxiety and ADHD (oh, which this 'friend' is trying to convince her she doesn't have and doesn't need to be on meds for - so she stops taking her meds for days at a time), so her brain doesn't always behave at a 17 year old level - more like between 13-15.

It's a hard decision, but I've decided to try to distance myself from her a little bit. Not because I don't love her and care about her, but I need to love and care about ME and protect me. And I refuse to give them any more to talk to each other about me. I hate that he's made such an impact on her impressionable mind to this point.

Nothing I say to her is getting thru anymore. She shuts down. I've talked to her doctor, we've talked to her together...I don't know what else to do.

She turns 18 in April.

Okay, I think I'm done.

How do you distance yourself from your child? :-(

I used to think the mother/child bond was pretty solid - now I'm not so sure. And my heart is breaking into a million little pieces as I type this and cement my decision to try to distance myself from her.
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