I Need To Vent
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
This is literally the only place I feel safe venting right now. There is so much going on involving so many people in my life, I can't really write this as a facebook status, it'll be way longer than 140 characters, and it's really not Instagram material.
Between my husband's assault and my best friend dying all happening within 3 days of each other, I feel like I haven't had time to breath let alone grieve. So many doctor's appointments for my hubby - concussion means neurologist, pain in his left hand/wrist/forearm means orthopedic doc, asthma attack that happened over the summer still flaring up now and again means a pulmonologist, diabetes under control more than before but that means an endocrinologist, and now stemming from both years on the fire department & an ambulance as well as the assault my husband actually asked for a psychologist to talk with as PTSD has been brought up a couple of times now.
All of that on top of already busy schedules with my kids school schedules and trying to figure out when I can actually start working at my new job, I just don't have time for me. I don't have time to stop and breath, to not think, to not be pulled a million directions. I need to cry, have to cry - soon. But right now I am just so tired I don't even have the energy to do so.
I am terrified that something is wrong with me. I've been having dizzy spells on & off for a couple of months and lately, the more upset or stressed I am the more it seems to flare up. I cannot afford to have something seriously wrong with me right now. In a millions ways I cannot afford it. But I cannot afford to ignore my own needs either. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and I cannot even admit that I'm scared. I don't want my kids to worry any more than they already are about their Dad, I don't want to hear my "husband" (when he's suffering from concussive symptoms, he's not himself) tell me I'm just being stupid for being scared. I already feel stupid, I don't want to be told I am. I don't want to be any more of a burden to my parents who have helped pay so many bills already for us over the years, help us take care of the boys, because if something happens to me and I cannot work soon, they'll have to help us even more. I'm tired of asking them for money.
We went somewhere to apply for rent assistance today. We were told that, right now because we have no money coming it at all, we cannot apply for help. You have to prove you have income coming in to get help. How stupid is that?!? I need the help specifically because I don't have money coming in right now. So many pointless hoops and so much idiotic red tape. I'm just so d@mn tired. I don't know where to turn anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.
I need time. I need money. I need time. I need to let go of all these d@mn feelings swelling up inside me that have nowhere to go. I need time. I need help. I need to not feel so hopeless and helpless. I just don't know what to do. I miss my best friend.
Writing all of that out helped some. It let me loosen some of the pressure building up inside me. But it's not enough. It's barely the tip of the iceberg. I usually believe that everything happens for a reason, right now I'm having a really difficult time seeing the reason for all of this. So many downs in our life, nowhere near enough ups. I'm tired of the struggle. Of everything being a battle. Of it all being so d@mn hard to just break even, maybe get ahead a little. Every time we start to get on even ground something knocks us back. Every. Single. Time. I'm tired of it. I'm done with it. It needs to stop.
My kids deserve better, deserve more, deserve stability. We've never been able to give them that on our own. We've always had to have help. I hate it.
Okay, now I'm getting mad. I don't want to be mad right now. I need to stop. They boys are overdue to get to bed anyway...
Thanks for reading to whomever made it through. Thanks for doing so.