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Making Conscious Decisions & Taking My Life Back: A Tale of over 135 Pounds Dumped, & Still Going

Friday, October 20, 2017

I started on my latest journey on the 20th of June, 2016 -- but who's keeping tabs, huh? Me. You BET I am! I was the heaviest I had ever been: 384 pounds.

I was going strong until there was a(nother) huge upheaval in my marriage. (That's another story for another day; I won't bore you with it today.) As a result, I not only went off track, but I went on a God-awful binge for 3 months. You'll get no excuses from me, no blaming "him" and no saying, Gee I couldn't help myself.

No one MADE me eat sugar- or starch-laden foods, no one forced it down my throat. No one else is responsible for that binge. I did it. I CHOSE (consciously or unconsciously, it doesn't really matter, does it?) to stuff my face, as I had done so many times in my not-short life. Food had been my comfort for decades -- since I was 8 or 9 maybe? And I am approaching 66 soon. So that's one heck of a long time, ya know?

Bottom line: I stuffed and gorged till I was nearly ready to puke... for THREE MONTHS! Looking back, I am not angry with myself. I feel sad. Sad that I felt I was so helpless that all I could do was eat to comfort my aching heart. Sad that I felt that food was the only comfort I could even find. Sad that I chose food, once again, rather than seeing/feeling/knowing I had another choice.

Circumstances, and a clearing head, led me to decide to GET BACK ON TRACK on the 1st of March. In truth, I am not sure how much I actually consciously decided. But I can tell you this: I had had enough already! Enough of letting circumstances control my life - my choices, my road and journey, my LIFE in all its potential glory!

I DO know I felt empowered the moment I made that decision to get back on my plan of choice. It is now my way of eating, my way of life. Not a diet. Not just to lose weight.

Is it easy all the time? Of course not. is it worth it? OH GOD, YES!

Last week I saw 246.8 pounds. And I can't recall how many years it has been since saw under 250. For me, that is a miracle in itself. And how strong I feel? Not just physically either. I am DOING this! I am here for myself! And no longer taking garbage from others. (In fact, I filed for divorce 3 months ago.)

Taking control of my life has been.. hmmm, what words can describe it? How can I explain all the changes, trying to get you to understand how I feel inside? Can you tell from what I am saying here?

Getting (back) on track has been one of the most significant and wonderful choices I have made in years, I swear. *I* am in control of my life. *I* decide where I am heading. *I* make my own choices -- consciously now, not letting my inner turmoil and deep hurt make excuses for me and push me to food.

I am aiming to dump another 70-75 pounds, if my body can do it. FULL SPEED AHEAD!!!

My pics - on the left, I had already dropped over 40 pounds. On the right, 18 pounds ago

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