BHNURSE1
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Forgiveness and starting over

Sunday, October 01, 2017

I have been MIA. At the beginning of the year, I started a new job that is much closer to home ending a 45 minute commute each way and adding more free time onto my day. In addition, I added a half day per week with a new schedule. I had very big plans for that free time, huge plans. I was going to exercise and eat right and finally lose that 30 pounds that had been weighing me down, affecting my self esteem and confidence level.
Fast forward 9 months. I am finally feeling like I am settling into the new environment and my new role. I am so glad I am not driving so much every day and my car maintenance has decreased significantly. However, I have not met my goal weight. In fact, I added 10 pounds over the last year and now I have 40 pounds to lose and I am devastated, defeated and apprehensive about even trying at all.
I am not ignorant and I am aware that there is no one to blame but myself, but the shame game is not going to fix this or contribute in any way shape or form to positive change, so I have to find a different strategy. I am going to try a softer approach.
Let's start with why this has happened. Starting a new job is stressful, especially when you have been in the same position at the same place with the same people for 10 years. Not only does it require learning new skills but harder yet, at least for me anyway, is navigating the new social environment. It is daunting dancing around new personalities as you try to figure out who has your back and who would rather stab you in it. Luckily I have not found any of the latter but when you're brand new, you just never know, after all, nurses have been known to eat their own emoticon .
All of that required a lot of energy. There have been days when I came home with a feeling of excitement and satisfaction of learning new skills and there have been days when I came home with a feeling of dread wondering if I have what it takes to do this job and whether I made the right decision to make the change.
I did have extra time on my hands and at first I simply relished it. Spent more time online, scrolling through Facebook and finding many awesome recipes for desserts that I just had to try and then eating them mostly myself emoticon . I would get up early in the morning as I am used to and spend an hour and half reading devotions and my bible (sanity saver). I tried to eat healthy but didn't really take the time to plan meals ahead and exercise, what exercise, Who has time or energy for that. I have been exhausted.
I have been disappointed and angry with myself for allowing myself to gain yet more weight and I think that disappointment and anger have been keeping me from truly trying to make any positive change towards losing it. I have adopted a "what's the use" attitude. I have stopped caring except when I am getting ready to go out and I hate the way I look in the mirror and then I feel horrible and ruin the whole experience. I have to make a change but fear that I can't do it. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.
When I look at it realistically, it is not surprising that I have gained. I have been under stress and I am a stress eater. I have been eating more sweets than I ever have in my life. I have also stopped exercising and am no longer getting my walks in like I use to when I would walk over my hour long lunch break at my other job. It is perfectly logical that I have put on weight. I have the power to change my behavior and turn it around. It's going to take dedication, planning, time and effort, but it is up to me. I am the only one that can do it.
I need to first stop beating myself up over it. I have simply been surviving a major life change. I wish I hadn't gained weight in the process but I did and I can't change that now. I need to forgive myself and move on. I forgive myself, I forgive myself, I forgive myself.
We are planning a trip to California next June to celebrate our daughter's high school graduation. I would love to be at goal weight so I can wear bathing suit at the beach and feel okay in it. I have the power, I have the time and now I just need to make the commitment to do it. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Here's to starting over.
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