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Long Time Coming...

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

In January of 2015, I wrote a blog called "The Rust..."

In it, I detailed the feeling of my invincible willpower suddenly departing in November 2014, as if a switch had been simply switched off. At the time, I assumed that it was simply a bump in the road, but in reality it turned out to be an almost three year detour that took me far away from the version of me that I had come to love so dearly. I said in that blog that "... it's as if I fell asleep sometime in November, and simply haven't woken up yet...", and over the last two and a half years, I put on 25lbs, lost most of my muscle mass, and found myself plunged back into an emotional abyss where I wanted so badly to get back on that horse, but lacked the internal spark to do so. I documented this with a smattering of posts in the past two years, with a concerted effort last year to at least go through the motions, but without that will to be strong in both heart and mind, the body fell to new lows each month. Consistently, I'd try to philosophize internally about how one goes about getting that spark back, that raging fire of determination... and every time I'd come up empty. Two years, nine months, and all of a sudden... it's back.

I can't explain why. I can't explain how. It's not like I did something different, or tried something new. It just suddenly, as quickly as it had switched off, switched back on. I've been on top of my eating and drinking for about a month, and am going on almost three weeks now of steady exercise. The difference between this and my attempt last year, is that it isn't just going through the motions. It's a fierce knowledge inside of me saying "this is really happening, you're losing weight, you're going to lose it all, and nothing is going to stop you". I'm down 8 pounds from 210 to 202 at my last weigh-in (unofficial), and I find myself looking forward to each and every workout again. I take joy in my exercise time, and more importantly, I take joy in making the time to exercise. I wish there was some significant catalyst that I could point to, apart from just not being happy with my body image, but nothing stands out as a cause for the sudden turnaround. Much like when I lost 85 pounds in 2013, I just find myself suddenly on fire, clicking on all cylinders, and excited about where the road ahead will lead. Not sure I'll be blogging much, or doing much sparking, but I thought it significant enough to post something saying that maybe willpower isn't something that can be forced, or bottled and sold, or faked until it's made... maybe willpower just needs time, and an ear to the ground to listen to it when it finally comes alive again. Dunno... but it's nice to be back. :D

August 2017, heading back in the right direction!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know exactly what you're saying. I lost a LOT of weight on SP, was exercising all the time, feeling great, loving how I looked. . . . and then gained back what I lost and more. I had a lot of 'reasons' but none was an excuse. I moved, I divorced, I had empty nest, I retired. All of those things would have been easier to go through if I had been taking care of myself, too.

    I'm back now and have been for several months. I'm losing weight, feeling good, and have great energy. During the time that I was sliding, I tried to get back on. I came back here. I joined a gym. I did what you're supposed to do and still didn't make it CLICK.

    If we could sell the click, we'd make a fortune! Instead, we just need to be glad it finally did.

    1194 days ago
    I find that life works this way for me, too. It can be so frustrating, then so exciting when you realize you are back in that positive groove. Wishing you the best! Thank you for sharing!
    1376 days ago
    Happy you are back at it, keep up the good work!
    1376 days ago
  • MARTHA324
    Happy for you that you are back on track. Whatever threw you off seems to have flown the coop.
    1376 days ago
    1376 days ago
  • BJK1961
    I found my spark on November 2016. I worry it will falter. Glad yours has re-ignited!
    1376 days ago
    1376 days ago
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