I happened to read my blogs today and realized this month marks two years that I have come back to this journey. The fact that I didn't know that is an indicator of how well it's NOT going. lol. I thought about not even writing anything but honestly this has to be about ALL of it. Not just victories or when things are going well because in the end how we deal with our failures either stops us or propels us further along on our path.
I've been struggling mentally, physically and mostly emotionally. But more on that in a minute. First, let's talk about how I got to this not so great space.
Last June, was the beginning of a break-up for me. But it didn't just end. This person would pop in and out of my life, stay for a while and then disappear. This has gone on for most of this year and continues to this day. The constant turmoil has made me completely emotionally unhinged. I don't put all the blame on him. Clearly there were things I had to work through. Things that kept me locked into it for so long.
In August, I hurt my foot really bad by falling down some stairs. (I blogged about this). It was an injury that totally sidelined my efforts because my main source of exercise is walking. I loved walking b/c I could do it anywhere at anytime. To this day, my foot still hurts and is not the same.
In January, my condo caught on fire. We believe one of the neighbors threw a cigarette butt in the trashcan, which was in the nook by my kitchen wall. Although I didn't lose anything more than some kitchen rugs, the fire department did have to breech an entire wall. Basically I became homeless. I was only renting so it was probably less stress than being a homeowner but it was still stressful. Thankfully I have caring parents who had room for me to stay. I finally got back into my own place in April
In Februray, I ended a 33-year-friendship. I don't know if it was the stress of everything but it was probably just a long time coming. We had an argument over something stupid but after the dust cleared I had some clarity. I realized I had been holding onto this friendship for so long just because it had always been. And while it wasn't a terrible friendship and there were some good things about it, I realized I had to put a lot of energy into it just to keep it alive. This had been going on for much of the friendship because we just aren't compatible. So why was I forcing it if it really wasn't bringing me any joy? I let it go.
The end result of all this is that my health has suffered. I have gained about 25 lbs and my motivation to exercise on a regular basis is not there. Some days I'm truly not emotionally or mentally capable of doing more than getting out of bed and coming to work. I saw a therapist for about six months beginning last summer and it helped but I felt like I was just at the point where nothing could help me anymore but time. I just got sick of talking about myself and my problems. I wanted to move on already. So I did.
Right now I'm rebuilding myself mentally. I still exercise and I've started watching what I eat again. I also manage to stay active. I get my steps most days and at least 30 minutes of activity according to FitBit, which is better than nothing.
As for that romantic relationship, I finally got strong enough to put my foot down and have no more contact. So in a way I'm just at the beginning of the grieving process.
Some days, like today, I don't feel like I'm making any progress anywhere in my life but I won't give up. I'm operating on blind faith and logic that if I do such and such I will eventually see results and move forward. I don't know what the next year will bring because right now I'm literally living one day at a time but I hope a year from now that I have better things to report.