Wednesday, July 12, 2017
I have been an absolute mess lately. Most days, I can't think, I can't function, I feel like I'm sleeping awake. I can't read or write often, and I am useless at work. There are days when any email response longer than a "Thanks!" takes a Herculean effort on my part. I used to be really sharp, but now I feel like my brain is soft and mushy, and my mind is in a fog.
It's gotten really bad and frustrating, so I started out figuring I would just try different healthy behaviors to see if they would help. I started taking a multivitamin, then an additional Vitamin D. Multivitamin didn't do anything for me, but the Vitamin D helped a bit! I upped my target calories by a couple hundred calories, in case my deficit was too high, which should be okay, since I have been working out 5-6 days a week for awhile.
Then, it was pointed out to me that a doctor would be able to actually check for deficiencies, so I went to one a couple weeks ago. He told me he thought the Vitamin D helping was placebo effect. I don't really agree with him, but he's the doctor, and it doesn't matter if the Vitamin D is actually working or if I just think it works--the effect is the same.
My bloodwork didn't give him any insight into what could be wrong with me, so he upped the dosage of my SSRI and told me to come back in a month. I didn't think that would work, but he's the doctor, so I did.
About a week after that, there was no change, so I thought maybe I was oversleeping. Since I started feeling fatigued, I'd been trying to get more and more sleep to fix it, but maybe I don't need that much, so I reinstalled SleepBot and forced myself to stay up later, and I started feeling a little better.
A couple nights ago, I decided to maybe try meditation. I subscribe to Mindful magazine and have always been thinking to try it. I'll occasionally look at videos, check out the apps recommended by the magazine, find articles, but I very rarely ever attempted to sit down and DO it. On Monday evening, for the first time in a long while, I set a timer and meditated.
It was only 8 minutes, and I wasn't very focused. When I finished, I felt no different, which was actually a relief, since I feared I'd be even more tired.
Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I was productive! I got more done at work in one day than I did in the last two weeks. I felt NORMAL, I mean, I think I did. I kind of forgot what that feels like.
Last night, I sat for 9 minutes, and again, today I felt good! Two days in a row!
It could be any of these things--the vitamins, the nutrition, the sleep, the SSRI, the meditation, or a placebo of any or all of these. I mean, maybe I should have waited a month between each change. Lots of these things probably take time. It could also be nothing at all--I could wake up tomorrow feeling like my brain leaked out my ears. But I'm cautiously optimistic that I've really gotten over this hump, and I'm going to maintain all the changes, because it's a small price to pay for actually being a functioning member of society.