Wednesday, July 05, 2017
Today, I had a breakthrough. I woke up and started studying and then I decided that I needed to exercise... so I did! I know most people would say "so what" but for me, it's a big deal.
I feel like I have spent my entire life not being in shape, sitting in the sidelines, angry and embarrassed at the way I look and how I feel. I have 3 healthy sons. My oldest is in the army. For some reason, he likes to jump out of perfectly good airplanes. My younger two are in college and play football. I made sure when they were little that they were always active in sports. I didn't want them to be like me. It's a miserable life to know that you can't keep up with them or not feeling comfortable with them while at the beach or even roller skating. I always felt worthless.
Some people would just tell me to stop eating this or that or just get up and move around more. Yea, it's that easy. I know what I needed to do, but mentally I couldn't. Why? What's so bad about feeling good? What's so bad about working hard for yourself? All those years I feel I wasted. But something always stopped me. I don't like going places anymore. I'm always afraid someone will comment. Just after I have birth to my youngest son, someone mooed behind me. I had given birth about a week prior to that and I was nowhere near the size I am today. Or the time I was getting my haircut and the girls daughter was there and asked her mother why i was so fat.
I don't want this anymore. I want to feel free. I don't want to be hot all the time. I want to wear cute clothes and feel comfortable in them. I wear jeans- everyday. I have for my entire life. Jeans and tshirts, or if I feel the need to dress up a little more, black slacks and a loose top.
It's my time. It has to be. Don't I deserve to be pretty for once? Or at least feel pretty? To be comfortable, confident and happy?