1-99 SparkPoints 17

July 5

Wednesday, July 05, 2017

Today, I had a breakthrough. I woke up and started studying and then I decided that I needed to exercise... so I did! I know most people would say "so what" but for me, it's a big deal. I feel like I have spent my entire life not being in shape, sitting in the sidelines, angry and embarrassed at the way I look and how I feel. I have 3 healthy sons. My oldest is in the army. For some reason, he likes to jump out of perfectly good airplanes. My younger two are in college and play football. I made sure when they were little that they were always active in sports. I didn't want them to be like me. It's a miserable life to know that you can't keep up with them or not feeling comfortable with them while at the beach or even roller skating. I always felt worthless. Some people would just tell me to stop eating this or that or just get up and move around more. Yea, it's that easy. I know what I needed to do, but mentally I couldn't. Why? What's so bad about feeling good? What's so bad about working hard for yourself? All those years I feel I wasted. But something always stopped me. I don't like going places anymore. I'm always afraid someone will comment. Just after I have birth to my youngest son, someone mooed behind me. I had given birth about a week prior to that and I was nowhere near the size I am today. Or the time I was getting my haircut and the girls daughter was there and asked her mother why i was so fat. I don't want this anymore. I want to feel free. I don't want to be hot all the time. I want to wear cute clothes and feel comfortable in them. I wear jeans- everyday. I have for my entire life. Jeans and tshirts, or if I feel the need to dress up a little more, black slacks and a loose top. It's my time. It has to be. Don't I deserve to be pretty for once? Or at least feel pretty? To be comfortable, confident and happy?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh, sweetie... I could've written this, too (lol although neither of my boys has yet expressed interest in jumping out of an airplane.).

    I haven't had a problem with excessive sweating in over 6 months... when it was a constant thing before.
    And I used to HATE getting takeout for my family, even if I wasn't getting anything for myself, there were always women whispering behind me that I was getting all that and going to go eat it in my car. Just awful. But, my husband would never show sympathy when I asked him to go get things instead, he said it's just people I don't know so who cares.
    I care. I really do.

    It kinda makes me mad, though, that before, no one would really talk to me in public, and now people are so much friendlier and constantly striking up conversations. Like... I was the same me as before? I dunno how to feel about it.

    BUT, overall, I feel great, getting stronger every day. I can keep up with my boys when I take them out hiking now.
    1444 days ago
    It is now YOU time - one step and one day at a time. You can do it!! emoticon
    1444 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15152733
    It is definitely your time!
    1444 days ago
    Thank you
    1444 days ago
    It is your time! I know you can do this!
    1444 days ago
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