Last weekend I spent 5 glorious days off from work and went to Virginia, both to seem my mom and spend two days hiking in Shenandoah. I went alone, and it really was what I needed to clear my head and heart a little.
In my heart and mind, my marriage is over. I don't love my husband anymore, and I probably haven't for quite a few years. The short and dirty of it is he has always, and I mean always, withheld himself from me. He never let me into his mind or his emotions. He never stood up for me, or handled important things for us. It was always me handling everything, all the time. The only thing he provides for me now is money. He's not a bad man. Not remotely. But when someone keeps you at an emotional distance for your entire relationship without your knowledge and withholds intimacy for a good portion of your marriage, it's tiresome. And I'm done.
I've known for a couple of months now, and my counselor and I have discussed my options, but honestly I've been sort of stuck with moving forward. Well when I got back I started looking for additional income, and I told my boss that I was doing it. He was a little upset, because he values me and I think it really bothers him that he can't pay me more. I'm the bookkeeper, I KNOW he can't pay me more. But I need to do something. I applied to be a Lyft driver, and I'm going to be donating (selling) plasma. I'm also looking for online proofreading work. So that's a step in the right direction.
I've also started looking at my budget. Scoping out living situations: apartments, the possibility of purchasing a mobile home, moving in with a friend. And if that perfect full time job comes along... I'll take it.
I don't have it all figured out, but it's a start.
I'm doing well so far on the 5% Summer Challenge as a ROWDY REBEL! (You couldn't pick a more perfect team name for me, haha.) Today is day 3 and I worked out for 2 hours 1 minute today (it's leg day).
I'm still within 12 lbs of my original goal weight (I've kept 100+ lbs off going on THREE years now) but I'd like to get back to 165 (my original weight being 160).
So yeah, I'm still here. I'm still kicking, and I'm fighting for my future happiness as best I can.
(PS - Holidays are tough for me ever since I lost my dad. I miss him so much, especially now when I'm going through so much uncertainty.)