ADARKARA
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Positive Changes

Monday, July 03, 2017

Last weekend I spent 5 glorious days off from work and went to Virginia, both to seem my mom and spend two days hiking in Shenandoah. I went alone, and it really was what I needed to clear my head and heart a little.

In my heart and mind, my marriage is over. I don't love my husband anymore, and I probably haven't for quite a few years. The short and dirty of it is he has always, and I mean always, withheld himself from me. He never let me into his mind or his emotions. He never stood up for me, or handled important things for us. It was always me handling everything, all the time. The only thing he provides for me now is money. He's not a bad man. Not remotely. But when someone keeps you at an emotional distance for your entire relationship without your knowledge and withholds intimacy for a good portion of your marriage, it's tiresome. And I'm done.

I've known for a couple of months now, and my counselor and I have discussed my options, but honestly I've been sort of stuck with moving forward. Well when I got back I started looking for additional income, and I told my boss that I was doing it. He was a little upset, because he values me and I think it really bothers him that he can't pay me more. I'm the bookkeeper, I KNOW he can't pay me more. But I need to do something. I applied to be a Lyft driver, and I'm going to be donating (selling) plasma. I'm also looking for online proofreading work. So that's a step in the right direction.

I've also started looking at my budget. Scoping out living situations: apartments, the possibility of purchasing a mobile home, moving in with a friend. And if that perfect full time job comes along... I'll take it.

I don't have it all figured out, but it's a start.

I'm doing well so far on the 5% Summer Challenge as a ROWDY REBEL! (You couldn't pick a more perfect team name for me, haha.) Today is day 3 and I worked out for 2 hours 1 minute today (it's leg day).

I'm still within 12 lbs of my original goal weight (I've kept 100+ lbs off going on THREE years now) but I'd like to get back to 165 (my original weight being 160).

So yeah, I'm still here. I'm still kicking, and I'm fighting for my future happiness as best I can.

(PS - Holidays are tough for me ever since I lost my dad. I miss him so much, especially now when I'm going through so much uncertainty.)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KELLIEBEAN
    I'm sorry I missed this blog. I'm so sorry about your marriage. I still remember making that painful decision. You have some challenges ahead as you find your way but you WILL get it figured out and you WILL be happy.

    I'm with you in spirit and I'm sure your dad is hugging you!

    emoticon

    486 days ago
  • ADVENTURESEEKER
    I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage coming to an end. I'm happy you are continuing to take care of yourself through it all. :)
    487 days ago
  • HASHI_QUEEN
    So happy for you that you made a decision and you are moving forward towards your own happiness! Can't wait to see what the future holds for you
    495 days ago
  • BEESHELL8
    THe tone of this blog is positive. You have resolve and a plan. Proud of you for doing the hard thing - which is the right thing - for your happiness.
    496 days ago
  • LADYFROMTHEWOOD
    You did everything that you could do; counseling and all. As uncertain and frustrating as this process will be at times, you are embarking on the next great adventure. I'm proud of you for being true to yourself. Remembering how to turn to friends and exercise for stress-relief when the emotions run high will be a challenge, but you will conquer.
    499 days ago
  • TALULAX-
    Closing a new chapter and starting another is always filled with so much mixed emotion. I am glad you are seeing it as moving in a positive direction. Change is always something we need to grow. You are growing leaps and bounds! Just remember one steady step after another and you will get to where you wish to be!

    Plasma is a great start to earn extra cash. Make it a two time a week routine and you will earn a nice cent for your effort plus bonuses if you hit 8 visits a month. I like the idea of the Lyft job, but be careful about the wear and tear on your car. G, years and years ago, delivered pizzas for extra cash. He regretted it as his car got (even) older. However, you have to do what you have to do, right? ;)

    Holidays are tough for me too so I know where you are coming from. Also, when G's family comes I find it hard because I often feel I do not belong. It is not them...it is me. I was always ousted in my family and it was my dad that made me feel I belonged. So, all of that comes full circle when shoved into G's family and like a child I am looking for my dad to tell me it is ok. G's dad is coming this year and from I heard he is a lot like my dad...which is going to make me think / miss of my dad even more. UGH baggage. lol

    I hope you had a great 4th! Remember, you got this! Wishing you all the best!!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon




    500 days ago
  • JAMIRBLAZE
    I hope that your plan is able to come together and glad that you seem to be more at peace about your decisions.
    500 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/5/2017 8:24:23 AM
  • LPORTER2015
    Praying for peace and direction in your life. The holidays are difficult for me too since I lost my dad in 2003 and my mom in 2015. I went for a nice walk this morning to clear my head. Now, I am cooking so I can relax with my family. Enjoy your day!
    501 days ago
  • DAWNSUCCESS
    Glad you have clarity and are taking really positive steps. Thinking of you.
    501 days ago
  • ISABELLE84
    I am sorry to read you're going through so much heartache at the moment. I think you've done a good job at figuring out what you need/want. So keep going & be strong.

    501 days ago
  • RUSTY720108
    I remember when i knew my marriage was over, once i knew my decision my mind cleared and enabled me to plan what came next. It's not easy but it is far nicer shaping your own life than living miserably with another. Work onyour finances like you do your diet, plan, do and reavaluate. Wishing you all the luck
    501 days ago
  • BJK1961
    You've made your decision, so keep moving bravely forward. You're strong.

    Congratulations on your weight loss and maintenance. Further proof of just how strong and courageous you are!
    501 days ago
  • BLUEJAY1969
    All my hopes for a successful transition in life!
    501 days ago
  • VALYNN26
    Wishing you only the best on wherever your road may lead you.
    501 days ago
  • OXYGEN9
    Best wishes to you! Hope everything turns out well, you have a good plan.
    501 days ago
  • ZORO22
    I started to write something and my prediction came up with the word butterfly. So never mind what I was originally going to write... just go be a butterfly!!
    502 days ago
  • ONEBLUEMOON
    So much on your plate right now. You'll be in my thoughts, Rowdy Rebel. emoticon emoticon
    502 days ago
  • CURLYLADEE
    Looks like a awesome hike and glad you got the time to yourself. Sounds like you have a plan. Relationships change and if you are not happy you have to do what you need to do to make yourself happy. Positivethoughts and energy
    502 days ago
  • BJAEGER307
    I wish you well. This is hard decision to make, and I'm glad you had time to contemplate on what you want. Hoping that you make the decisions you have to make and that everything turns out well for you.
    502 days ago
  • LIVEDAILY
    So glad you had a great trip up to Virginia!! It really is a bit of God's Country there in the Shenandoah Mountains!

    It sounds like you are working on a plan, and that's very good!

    So happy you're with The Rowdy Rebels again!! emoticon

    That is SO emoticon that you've kept 100 pounds off for THREE YEARS!!!
    emoticon
    502 days ago
  • ANNIE1114
    I was divorced when I was in my twenties. It was hard and at the same time it was liberating. You can make the life you want for yourself.
    502 days ago
  • HMBROWN1
    Best wishes on your new path in life!
    502 days ago
  • KATHIC2
    Whew. Divorce is a major stressor but you know what your truth is. Sounds like you are paving your new road map. All the best.
    502 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    You've got a starting point, you're considering your options, you'll get there!
    emoticon
    502 days ago
  • BONNIEMCC488
    Sounds like you have a plan, and lots of options. That's great about the Lyft driver application, I heard they're better for female drivers and maybe even in general. And with your writing, you'll do great with the proofreading too.
    502 days ago
  • OMAJ1953
    Amazing
    502 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    HUGS. And you have a solid plan. Wishing you much luck.
    502 days ago
  • DARLENE2017
    Awesome....wishing you all the best. I made my first blog ever today and feel stupid because I did not know what to say or how to say it.
    502 days ago
  • CINDY247
    You're in my thoughts & prayers I live in Virginia - Virginia Beach You can do this! Best wishes!
    502 days ago
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