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Friday, June 23, 2017

I struggle with my identity and I know that stems from the way I was raised. I was given a set of roles to play:
a good girl
a person who serves others

I had no idea who I was because I was never given permission to be myself…just me. I was expected to put others before myself allowed to do what I wanted only after I had taken care of everyone else’s needs. I’ve tried to break out of that, but kept getting sucked back into that role of care-taker.

I’m not saying I never did anything for myself, of course I did; but it came with a price. Those constant reminders that I wasn’t important enough to be put first led to feelings of guilt when I did something just for myself.

People are so complicated. I don’t have a demanding husband; in fact he’s pretty great about encouraging me to do things for myself. I just don’t know how to handle that. For the last 20+ years I’ve been encouraged by extended family to embrace my role as wife and mother. My job was to take care of my family and that’s what I’ve tried to do. Now things are changing with DS about to go off to college. He’s already away from home more than he is here.

I have been looking for a paying job and experimenting with volunteer jobs to try to discover what I want. Quite simply, I don’t know. But I’m beginning to embrace the concept that I am allowed to have fun. Part of the problem is that my husband and I don’t identify the same things as fun. I love to dance. I’m not good at it, but I just love to put on the music and dance. My dear reserved husband just can’t let himself do that. I admit that I miss the days when DS and I would begin almost every day with a lively dance. So I began my day dancing and singing and it really changed my mood for the better. Not that I felt bad when I woke up, but it was a typical day of thinking about all the things I needed to do today. Start the list…then I danced and I just felt energized and happy. I felt good about the things I’ll do for my family today. Oh and here’s another discovery…I’M PART OF THAT FAMILY. So when I do things for the family that INCLUDES me. Funny how I never realized that before.

So for today my identity is JUSTDJNOW. That’s all I have to be today.

Here I go...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I've dealt with the same for decades. On my journey to myself, I experimented with many ways of "being," from prairie muffin to hippie to hermit...lol. One thing I would advise myself if I could, from having hindsight..."don't pressure yourself to figure it out on a timeline. What took your whole life to ingrain will take more than a year to undo." I love to dance too, but have a hubby that doesn't. Two things... turn on the music every morning (because it feeds your soul) and dance, and also find dance lessons that you can take (zumba counts) at perhaps a community center. Organized lessons rarely require you to bring a partner. I learned to waltz last year and met a great group of people. Oh, and check out contra-dance events. Just go and watch the first time to see what sparks. Do it for yourself.
    Best wishes to you for this journey!
    846 days ago
  • no profile photo BONDMANUS2002
    way to go
    848 days ago
    Loved your blog - it is good you allow yourself to have fun!
    850 days ago
    I identify with this so much. I have dealt with The same issue of identity. And an SO that won't dance.
    850 days ago
    Have a great day!!
    850 days ago
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