Friday, June 23, 2017
I struggle with my identity and I know that stems from the way I was raised. I was given a set of roles to play:
a good girl
a person who serves others
I had no idea who I was because I was never given permission to be myself…just me. I was expected to put others before myself allowed to do what I wanted only after I had taken care of everyone else’s needs. I’ve tried to break out of that, but kept getting sucked back into that role of care-taker.
I’m not saying I never did anything for myself, of course I did; but it came with a price. Those constant reminders that I wasn’t important enough to be put first led to feelings of guilt when I did something just for myself.
People are so complicated. I don’t have a demanding husband; in fact he’s pretty great about encouraging me to do things for myself. I just don’t know how to handle that. For the last 20+ years I’ve been encouraged by extended family to embrace my role as wife and mother. My job was to take care of my family and that’s what I’ve tried to do. Now things are changing with DS about to go off to college. He’s already away from home more than he is here.
I have been looking for a paying job and experimenting with volunteer jobs to try to discover what I want. Quite simply, I don’t know. But I’m beginning to embrace the concept that I am allowed to have fun. Part of the problem is that my husband and I don’t identify the same things as fun. I love to dance. I’m not good at it, but I just love to put on the music and dance. My dear reserved husband just can’t let himself do that. I admit that I miss the days when DS and I would begin almost every day with a lively dance. So I began my day dancing and singing and it really changed my mood for the better. Not that I felt bad when I woke up, but it was a typical day of thinking about all the things I needed to do today. Start the list…then I danced and I just felt energized and happy. I felt good about the things I’ll do for my family today. Oh and here’s another discovery…I’M PART OF THAT FAMILY. So when I do things for the family that INCLUDES me. Funny how I never realized that before.
So for today my identity is JUSTDJNOW. That’s all I have to be today.
Here I go...