Looking at me you would see a strong and confident woman. At least that is what I portray. What you wouldn't see is the struggle I have sometimes daily to find the beauty within. After years of childhood abuse both sexual and mental abuse, there are times I fight to find my worth. Through the years I have gotten VERY good at tucking away the voices that pop up and tell me I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't wear something because someone may see my back fat, or big hips and thighs. I have control.....or at least I thought I did!
As I sit here and type this out I just got finished with Day 2 of Shaun T week, and I started crying half way through the workout...and the tears still haven't stopped. See my Mom is here this week and while I love her, I struggle with her. I struggle because she seems to push all my buttons and takes me back to a place I don't want to be. A place that I have overcome! With just a comments like....
- I'm not like you, I can't just wear whatever and have all my body showing the "curves"
- I don't like those workout pants on you, and neither did your brothers when you came out for Grandpa's birthday
- Wait your going to wear that out of the house, you need to put a shirt on that covers your bottom
- I don't know where you got your calves, your brothers all have such nice muscular calves.
I try so hard to push it away, to brush the feelings of not being good enough away. However today it all just came to a boiling point and I had to let it out. While I was doing my workout I cried. I cried because the whole reason I have body image problems is because my Mom has been pushing the problems she has with her own body onto ME! I can honestly say that for the most part, even though there are parts of my body I don't like, I LOVE ME! I have let her in the last few days over take what I have built, what I have worked so hard to overcome.
I am NO longer the little girl that was a victim of sexual and mental abuse. I am NO longer the girl that had to listen while she was called every nasty name in the book while being called fat and ugly. I am the WOMAN that has the best husband and children in the world. I am a strong and BEAUTIFUL woman that no longer will allow the words of others make me feel like I am not good enough. I refuse to change who I am because another has problems with themselves when they look in the mirror. I am a person that others find motivating and encouraging.
I have a week left with my Mom before she goes home and my goal is to NOT let anything else she say's bother me....what I need to remember is that not everyone has the same mission and goals in life, Not everyone is going to understand why I am doing what I need to. I will be turning these feelings of frustration into my workouts. I will use this as the fuel I need to push harder in the workouts of this week, this month, this year. I AM WORTHY of seeing beauty inside and out, I am WORTHY of the healthy body I am working towards. I am WORTHY of having a POSITIVE body image!