ADARKARA
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Another Tough Week

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

My counselor says I need to allow myself to realize that what I'm going through is an incredibly difficult thing, and all the feelings I've been dealing with are normal.

I had such good intentions this weekend. I wanted to get so much done on my cookbook. I wanted to eat healthy and work out and feel great about myself because this was the weekend my husband was FINALLY going somewhere without me, and I'd have the apartment to myself. I wanted to see what it felt like to live alone for a few days. To see if I would actually miss him.

I dropped him off on Saturday morning and went to work. Friday night I had felt awful: allergies causing a sore throat, a headache, physical pain from shoulder bursitis, emotional exhaustion. And because I was so void of emotion I couldn't help calm a friend down and she got upset with me because I couldn't help. She still hasn't spoken to me. Hubs texted me ALL DAY LONG, which he NEVER does when he's home. He must have been bored on the bus. Saturday night was very relaxing. I cleaned and mopped the kitchen and put my feet up and watched tv, went to bed and fell asleep reading.

Sunday morning I got up around 6 and enjoyed my coffee and the quiet, walked Bingley and then ran to the grocery store to grabs some things for brunch because after walking group my girlfriends were coming over for steel cut oatmeal and a toppings bar! I decided that it was still cool enough to take Bingley to walking group. We walked 4.45 miles around a lake and had fun chit chat with the ladies (and Gene, our one dude). Afterwards the ladies who went down the shore with me came over and we had oatmeal with toppings. I pulled out the full stop: walnuts, almonds, peanut butter, coconut, mini chocolate chips, craisins, raisins, bananas, blueberries and strawberries, muesli, etc.

We had a great time and talked and laughed and had a blast. Here's a pic of all of us from our shore trip:


That afternoon I finished grocery shopping by grabbing some things at Walmart and I walked Bing a few more times. Straightened up the house, made myself a healthy dinner. Took some photographs (I got accepted for submissions for iStock photo) and goofed around. I tried to work on my cookbook but couldn't, and the frustration got to me and I ate to avoid dealing with my issues. That's the theme of this weekend: I felt flat and dead inside and I ate.

Yesterday started off okay. I worked on laundry and walked Bing a decent length because it was going to be hot. Then I wrote a blog for A Measured Life and while I was doing that my MIL called and talked to me. She said she wished I had come to visit too but that they were having a nice time, then my husband called and talked about Tim Horton's donuts and told me he loved me and missed me but never once asked me about anything I was doing. I didn't tell him I loved him or missed him back. Because the truth is I didn't miss him at all. I was upset after the phone call because of how I was feeling so I called my cousin and spoke to her for a few minutes and cried a little bit but not enough. I tried to take a nap on the couch but I couldn't sleep so I got my butt up and did my butt and thigh workout (or the strength training part of it anyway, I skipped the pilates) then showered and went to my running buddy's house for dinner with him and his wife, where I ate way to much meatloaf and drank wine. That would have been okay except when I got home there were still emotions way down deep that turned into ice cream and chocolate chips. I didn't fall asleep until 11ish, and I'm tired today and have a headache. It's really hot here, really hot. 95ish. My husband comes home on Greyhound tonight, and I'm not ready for him to be home yet. I wish I had more time to sort out my feelings.

This sh*t is so hard.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MISTY_MOUNTAINS
    I don't know what to say. It's hard when you want space and you can't seem to get it. You're a strong woman, and you will get through this!
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    368 days ago
  • CURLYLADEE
    Hey chica! I am so sorry to come back to SP and see one of my favorite people in turmoil. Sending positive thoughts and energy for a peace of mind.
    374 days ago
  • JENSTRESS
    Oh, UGH. I mean, UGH. I feel AWFUL for you. You wanted distance, and you didn't even really get it. I mean, if someone is texting you all day, you don't have TIME to miss them. And because of the stress and feelings and having to deal with it, you ate instead, which SUCKS because then you are mad that you did that (or I usually am at myself) but you can't change it and you still don't want to deal with it all.

    I wish you luck. Everything you are going through, I'm so sorry.
    375 days ago
  • JAMIRBLAZE
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    375 days ago
  • CFODEL
    This is one of those moments when I wish I had a magic wand or a giant crystal ball. I hope a HUG from a cyber-friend makes your day better. You can do this!
    375 days ago
  • LADYFROMTHEWOOD
    The first time I got "alone" was much the same. I wanted to warn you, but then I thought "no, everyone's different." It doesn't matter the relationship, if you aren't used to having true alone time, then it's easy to have big expectations and horrible struggles when we finally get some. It takes several times, and more days to work through all the issues that might come up. Even if one is happy with their relationships, the problem is usually "I thought I'd get more done and have a better time alone. Am I $hi**y company?" It's hard. It's weird. It's confusing. I also second (or third) the idea of a mini-retreat. You need one without putting any pressure on yourself to get certain things done. You can't mini-experience a new life in one weekend. Or one week. Just being you, and experiencing the emotions of that, is enough. You weren't emotionally void; you were overloaded. Like anything else, you will find your way though. You deserve a medal for surviving your first weekend alone. That stuff is freaking hard!
    375 days ago
  • BONNIEMCC488
    We often know what we should do, when we have good guidance, but doing it is another thing. I hope you find a way to work through and sort out your feelings soon. emoticon
    375 days ago
  • CLEAN18
    I like JEANKNEE's idea of taking a mini-retreat of your own. I had to go away for a family emergency for 3 weeks a few yrs back and it really allowed me time to think and put things in perspective. No idea if this is possible for you. Take the time you need any way you can. Walks. Daytrips. Anything for some alone time. Acknowledging where you are is good. Beating yourself up for a slip is not good. Allow yourself to feel. Listen to those feelings. They're there to guide you to your best self.

    emoticon
    375 days ago
  • SLINKYREDDRESS
    I'm so sorry you're having such difficulties. I wish there was something I could do. Hang in there, Sweetie. You're strong and courageous and you will work through this.

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    375 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    Seconding the heart of ISNESS' message, ". . . We turn the anger towards people we love. We punish the little girl in the corner of the heart instead of taking good care of her. But the small girl needs to be loved no matter what and needs to be cared for. No one can ever love me as I do."

    Here's to you continuing to do the hard work necessary to achieve your goal!
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    375 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
    Wishing you the best as you work through the feelings. Have you thought about going away for a mini-retreat on your own?
    375 days ago
  • LIVEDAILY
    So...Hubs wasn't bored. He missed you. He said he missed you and loved you, and I think that's true on his part. He's just not willing to change and grow as a person, whereas, you have. A lot. And you are continuing to grow and change. Do you think the caterpillar experiences pain during its metamorphosis? I would imagine it does. It's what the counselor told you. It's normal. Is it fun? No, not at all. Is it necessary? Part of it is. I wish you would've spent the long weekend totally catering to YOU, not things you think you should have done. Get rid of that guilt. It isn't doing you any favors. Hang in there. Be brave.
    emoticon
    376 days ago
  • TALULAX-
    Always when we are growing it is so hard and it hurts so much! You are going through an incredibly difficult thing accompanied by intense emotions. Be gentle with you. Be kind to you. Your self care is most important right now.

    I am here if you need an ear.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    376 days ago
  • ISNESS
    Sometimes I have such confused feelings, too. I think it's important to think that this is going to be over soon. Because it will. Body is clever, it wants to fill these fat cells when we lose weight. It's as though the consciousness doesn't belong to us, as though it is is outside of the body, as though we all 'write' into one collective consciousness. I got started so nicely and now today, after 5 months of restricted kcal and exercise I've eaten over 3000 kcal. I even don't know why. Wasn't hungry really. It is as though we are angry at ourselves gor some reason and when the picture we hold of ourselves isn't perfect in our eyes - we then turn the anger towards people we love. We punish the little girl in the corner of the heart instead of takkng hood care of her. But the small girl needs to be loved no matter what and needs to be caref for..
    No one can ever love me as I do. Once I remember this - I'm balanced again.
    Don't worry about these feelings, it's good to grab something else in such situation, anything what can make us stop overanalyzing ourselves even when it is just silence. Hope you feel better. 🌸
    ivana
    376 days ago
  • BJK1961
    I can't imagine the turmoil you're feeling. All I can do is wish you all the best! Stay strong!
    376 days ago
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