My counselor says I need to allow myself to realize that what I'm going through is an incredibly difficult thing, and all the feelings I've been dealing with are normal.
I had such good intentions this weekend. I wanted to get so much done on my cookbook. I wanted to eat healthy and work out and feel great about myself because this was the weekend my husband was FINALLY going somewhere without me, and I'd have the apartment to myself. I wanted to see what it felt like to live alone for a few days. To see if I would actually miss him.
I dropped him off on Saturday morning and went to work. Friday night I had felt awful: allergies causing a sore throat, a headache, physical pain from shoulder bursitis, emotional exhaustion. And because I was so void of emotion I couldn't help calm a friend down and she got upset with me because I couldn't help. She still hasn't spoken to me. Hubs texted me ALL DAY LONG, which he NEVER does when he's home. He must have been bored on the bus. Saturday night was very relaxing. I cleaned and mopped the kitchen and put my feet up and watched tv, went to bed and fell asleep reading.
Sunday morning I got up around 6 and enjoyed my coffee and the quiet, walked Bingley and then ran to the grocery store to grabs some things for brunch because after walking group my girlfriends were coming over for steel cut oatmeal and a toppings bar! I decided that it was still cool enough to take Bingley to walking group. We walked 4.45 miles around a lake and had fun chit chat with the ladies (and Gene, our one dude). Afterwards the ladies who went down the shore with me came over and we had oatmeal with toppings. I pulled out the full stop: walnuts, almonds, peanut butter, coconut, mini chocolate chips, craisins, raisins, bananas, blueberries and strawberries, muesli, etc.
We had a great time and talked and laughed and had a blast. Here's a pic of all of us from our shore trip:
That afternoon I finished grocery shopping by grabbing some things at Walmart and I walked Bing a few more times. Straightened up the house, made myself a healthy dinner. Took some photographs (I got accepted for submissions for iStock photo) and goofed around. I tried to work on my cookbook but couldn't, and the frustration got to me and I ate to avoid dealing with my issues. That's the theme of this weekend: I felt flat and dead inside and I ate.
Yesterday started off okay. I worked on laundry and walked Bing a decent length because it was going to be hot. Then I wrote a blog for A Measured Life and while I was doing that my MIL called and talked to me. She said she wished I had come to visit too but that they were having a nice time, then my husband called and talked about Tim Horton's donuts and told me he loved me and missed me but never once asked me about anything I was doing. I didn't tell him I loved him or missed him back. Because the truth is I didn't miss him at all. I was upset after the phone call because of how I was feeling so I called my cousin and spoke to her for a few minutes and cried a little bit but not enough. I tried to take a nap on the couch but I couldn't sleep so I got my butt up and did my butt and thigh workout (or the strength training part of it anyway, I skipped the pilates) then showered and went to my running buddy's house for dinner with him and his wife, where I ate way to much meatloaf and drank wine. That would have been okay except when I got home there were still emotions way down deep that turned into ice cream and chocolate chips. I didn't fall asleep until 11ish, and I'm tired today and have a headache. It's really hot here, really hot. 95ish. My husband comes home on Greyhound tonight, and I'm not ready for him to be home yet. I wish I had more time to sort out my feelings.
This sh*t is so hard.