Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Writing about my feelings yesterday did seem to help.
I want to be clear about my physical abuse...I don't think I'm ever to blame for being hit. I'm re-stating what my abusers have said to me. For some reason they justify hurting someone with this myth that the victim causes or deserves the abuse. From everything I've read over the years, it seems to be common for abusers to blame their lack of self-control on others, frequently their victims.
But having someone do that to me again brought up all those feelings of helplessness I had as a child. As an adult I have more resources to protect me from anyone who abuses me, but as a child I had no place to go to escape. People who were supposed to protect me were the people I feared the most. We lived the big lie of the "normal" family attending the "best" church in town, parents going to PTA meetings, coaching sports, and involved with community organizations. In fact people often talked about how wonderful my personal monster was. It was unsettling to say the least.
The physical assault has been addressed, I'm just dealing with the emotional aftermath now (and the bruise serves as a daily reminder). I think that trying to keep my emotions bottled up was part of my downward spiral. After posting the blog it was like a damn burst and my emotions were more fully released, because today I haven't obsessed over it like I have for the last month.
I'll continue to journal in a more private way as I need to and work through any residual issues. It helped to have the space to let go of this event and recognize that I still have a lot of emotional work to resolve those old wounds. It also helped to read the comments from people who understand that abuse should not be excused. Thanks so much for the support.