Confronting past demons
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
I've written and re-written this at least a dozen times, it never gets better. So, for now I'm putting this out here. It may not be here long, or it may be here for a while. I don't know. I'm still working through so many things.
Last month there was an "incident" - brief, but awful enough to plunge me back into the he11 I experienced as a child.
Last month I was physically abused by someone I love, someone I trusted, someone related to me. There were only two blows; the first knocked me off my feet and stunned me, the second sent me running for safety. I still have the bruise (it's been a month since the attack).
My attacker told me, "This is your fault. You caused this. Everything bad happens because of you."
Honestly, this has taken me back to the physical and emotional abuse I suffered from 2 care-takers; adults who were supposed to love and protect me. Instead, they beat me, emotionally tortured me and one of them threatened to kill me on multiple occasions.
As a child I often heard those words, "This is your fault. You caused this. Everything bad happens because of you." My abusers can't be held responsible for their violent behavior. They can't be expected to control themselves because I'm such a terrible person. The first time I remember hearing these words I was two. Yes, I remember it, I know I remember it because no one ever talked about these abusive outbursts...because the victims were to blame. These "incidents" happened many times over the years; often late into the night. My teachers never asked if I was okay, they assumed that I was lazy and stupid, that's why homework frequently wasn't done and why I could barely keep my head up during their lessons. Three teachers told me I was stupid...in class. Those three grades (not consecutive) were the worst. I was labeled "stupid"...at home and at school.
I'm struggling, especially because I thought I left abuse behind, in that past life. Now I see that some defective part of me still draws abuse.
Not only do I not trust the person who attacked me, I no longer trust myself. I've been told to "get over it" and get on with my life, but I'm stuck. I don't know how to get over this. I still have
to see this person often and they act like nothing ever happened. No apology, no taking responsibility (because in their eyes I was the one to blame). I later told them how I felt about the attack. I was calm, they were detached and unresponsive. I try to go through my routine each day, but I often find myself crying uncontrollably. I can't sleep through the night and I just want something to numb me from these awful feelings. Sometimes I resist, sometimes I give into the urge to numb.
I know I'm letting the abusers' mind games get to me, but after years of dealing with this issue I find that I'm really no further down the road.
I haven't meant to be cryptic lately, I just had such a big set-back with this episode and I'm trying to work my way back to some healthy state of mind. I appreciate the support many of you offered (even without knowing what happened).