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Confronting past demons

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I've written and re-written this at least a dozen times, it never gets better. So, for now I'm putting this out here. It may not be here long, or it may be here for a while. I don't know. I'm still working through so many things.

Last month there was an "incident" - brief, but awful enough to plunge me back into the he11 I experienced as a child.

Last month I was physically abused by someone I love, someone I trusted, someone related to me. There were only two blows; the first knocked me off my feet and stunned me, the second sent me running for safety. I still have the bruise (it's been a month since the attack).

My attacker told me, "This is your fault. You caused this. Everything bad happens because of you."

Honestly, this has taken me back to the physical and emotional abuse I suffered from 2 care-takers; adults who were supposed to love and protect me. Instead, they beat me, emotionally tortured me and one of them threatened to kill me on multiple occasions.

As a child I often heard those words, "This is your fault. You caused this. Everything bad happens because of you." My abusers can't be held responsible for their violent behavior. They can't be expected to control themselves because I'm such a terrible person. The first time I remember hearing these words I was two. Yes, I remember it, I know I remember it because no one ever talked about these abusive outbursts...because the victims were to blame. These "incidents" happened many times over the years; often late into the night. My teachers never asked if I was okay, they assumed that I was lazy and stupid, that's why homework frequently wasn't done and why I could barely keep my head up during their lessons. Three teachers told me I was stupid...in class. Those three grades (not consecutive) were the worst. I was labeled "stupid"...at home and at school.

I'm struggling, especially because I thought I left abuse behind, in that past life. Now I see that some defective part of me still draws abuse.

Not only do I not trust the person who attacked me, I no longer trust myself. I've been told to "get over it" and get on with my life, but I'm stuck. I don't know how to get over this. I still have
to see this person often and they act like nothing ever happened. No apology, no taking responsibility (because in their eyes I was the one to blame). I later told them how I felt about the attack. I was calm, they were detached and unresponsive. I try to go through my routine each day, but I often find myself crying uncontrollably. I can't sleep through the night and I just want something to numb me from these awful feelings. Sometimes I resist, sometimes I give into the urge to numb.

I know I'm letting the abusers' mind games get to me, but after years of dealing with this issue I find that I'm really no further down the road.

I haven't meant to be cryptic lately, I just had such a big set-back with this episode and I'm trying to work my way back to some healthy state of mind. I appreciate the support many of you offered (even without knowing what happened).
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo BONDMANUS2002
    sorry
    848 days ago
  • OLMANED
    I just don't know where to begin. I read your blog because you had responded to mine. Dear JUSTJDNOW there is no excuse for violence under any circumstances. If you are not seeking help from a support group, please do so immediately. None of the responses from your abuser(s) are appropriate responses. This is THEIR fault, not yours. Please get out of the situation immediately. If you ever just need a shoulder I am here for you eddiethelip@hotmail.com . As I said, it is important for all of us to learn to love ourselves. Your abusers need to learn that too as it is obvious they do not. Subjugation of others is the only way they can feel good about themselves - and then they find that doesn't work either. I know I am rambling and pontificating so just know you are loved by all who have responded to you.

    879 days ago
  • OLMANED
    I just don't know where to begin. I read your blog because you had responded to mine. Dear JUSTJDNOW there is no excuse for violence under any circumstances. If you are not seeking help from a support group, please do so immediately. None of the responses from your abuser(s) are appropriate responses. This is THEIR fault, not yours. Please get out of the situation immediately. If you ever just need a shoulder I am here for you eddiethelip@hotmail.com . As I said, it is important for all of us to learn to love ourselves. Your abusers need to learn that too as it is obvious they do not. Subjugation of others is the only way they can feel good about themselves - and then they find that doesn't work either. I know I am rambling and pontificating so just know you are loved by all who have responded to you.

    879 days ago
  • DEXSUNFIRE79
    I am so sorry for you and must say you are never to blame for someone else's actions. We all make our own choices. This is the kind of thing that you can't get through without counselling!
    879 days ago
  • LADYFROMTHEWOOD
    YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS!!! There is something WRONG with the person(s) that abused you. You don't need their admission or apology to validate the wrongness of this. You do not OWE them your presence in their life at all, no matter the relation. You can only change yourself by not putting up with this type of behavior. And you are teaching yourself and those around you how to react when abused. The police need to have this on report. This will help them when there is anyone else that faces this at the hands of that person, and that will happen because it is THEM.
    I've rewritten this comment several times. Mostly because I've been trying to figure out your relationship to the person that crossed the line. If it is, say, your son, the question becomes "is he a minor?" If so, you have options to get him into counseling and also teach him how wrong it is to abuse by filing a report with the police. If he is not, then you have NO obligation to let him into YOUR home, nor do you have any obligation to protect his reputation. People make their own reputations, for the most part. Don't let your own reputation be that you are easy to hit, easy to manipulate. YOU HAVE EVERY BIT OF WORTH AS ANYONE ELSE! You are NOT stupid, nor are you defective. You owe this person NOTHING but a police report.
    Yes, please seek counseling for yourself! Most insurances pay for several sessions. Or even find an online counselor. Another friend of mine found a good one through BetterHelp.com where it is $99 for unlimited text counseling for 2 months with a Groupon. I think even Dr. Phil has a site that connects you with online counseling. But first, know that there is nothing you could've done to deserve being hit. When you stand up for yourself, imagine all of us, your Sparkfriends, standing right beside you, holding your hand or with our hands on your shoulders. Get a restraining order and a counselor.
    emoticon
    880 days ago
  • RHOOK20047
    No one has the right to abuse another. Go to authorities and know that this was not your fault. There are sick people out there that thrive off the pains of others. Don't let him get a way with it.
    880 days ago
  • MCJULIEO
    Tell someone in authority, especially while you still have bruises. Press charges. Nothing you could have done excuses violence against you.
    880 days ago
  • DWROBERGE
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    880 days ago
  • SP_COACH_DENISE
    I'm sorry you are going through this! I also would recommend contacting the police about the recent incident and do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Your safety is important!

    You also don't need to deal with this on your own. If you can, I would also suggest seeking some professional counseling services to help you properly handle and deal with the present and past incidents. There is no shame in doing that and can actually help you handle it better overall and possibly find some new techniques to help you through the difficult times when you think back to any of the incidents.


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    Coach Denise
    880 days ago
  • TRISSYINCHARGE
    It isn't your fault , don't ever think its your fault. I would try to cut those people out of your life, do what you have to , write about it but dont keep it bottled up inside. Dont let them tear you down you are worth so much more.
    880 days ago
  • USMAWIFE
    emoticon emoticon I am crying reading your story. please go and find a counselor and talk. YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING. YOU ARE NOT STUPID

    and as for the person who abused you, please contact the police and get a order of protection and press charges against them. you are worth more and now is the time to take control of your life in so many ways


    880 days ago
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