Hi Spark Friends!
"I walked in the gym locker room, grabbed my things from the locker and as I was heading to one of the changing rooms, I was checking my phone. That's when I saw it... "Mom, Jay has been shot" It was hours ago... 4 minutes after I had left the locker room when I first got there! I felt the blood run from my face, as I dropped everything in my hands, except my phone, I was fumbling to try and read anything else he wrote when I saw the second post... from the local news, "Man shot in Carbondale, taken to the hospital with life threatening wounds." I was shaking and trying to figure what to do all at the same time. I felt the life running from my body..."
That was March 9, 2017... the last time I set foot in the gym...
I'll back up a little...
About 6 years ago I decided I had enough of being fat and I was going to change things! I won't go into details, my blog entries here go all the way back to the beginning if you wish to take a look. Short story, within a year of starting, I lost over 180 lbs. I felt great, I felt nothing could bring me down...
I was wrong...
At the end of that loss, or almost the end, which is about 4 1/2 years ago, I left my abusive husband. Things felt like they were starting to spiral at that time... Short story, he was only gone for 4 months and I brought him back into my life after believing all his "I'll change" I mean, I had done some changing, so why not him too... Another thing wrong. I spent the next few years spiraling further and further out of contact with myself.
Finally a year and half ago I stood my ground and left him for good. I spent the next year trying to get my head back to where it needed to be.
I was not quite there... during that struggle my two adult boys began making my life quite a bit more interesting with loads of drama. During that time I forgot all about me. I spun further and further away from me once again, getting all caught up in the drama which was my sons and their lives.
THEN... on March 9, 2017 I went to my counselor for once of my sessions and I had had enough!! I had hit rock bottom and I just could not deal with all the things that had happened being my responsibility when my boys were adults. I come to the conclusion that day that it was enough, they would deal with their own drama. I would be there for them, I would love them, I would try and do what I was capable of for them, but I would not live my entire life surrounded by their every little whim.
See, my two older boys were not raised by me. I won't go into it but they come back into my life at that time... the beginning of 2016. Their best skill was making me feel guilty for not being there for their entire childhood, (which was no fault of mine at all)... they blamed me for being raised by their fathers who were not good role models at all. Instead of knowing I loved them enough to do anything for them that I was capable of, they played this, "let's make mom feel like sh** OR put her on e huge guilt trip, so we can get from her just what we want." I suppose it's the way they learned to achieve things in life.
So, here I am, back to March 9, 2017... I had finally come to my decision that this was not going to go on any more. Once again, like I did 6 years before, I was going to find the "me" that I had found and learned to love, and I was going to bring her back, I was going to start living for her too because she was worth it. I felt great when I left my counselor. I called my mom and asked her to go to the gym with me.
I was going back to the gym daily. I was going to get this weight off. I was going to find me again. I was flying high. I felt great that I finally made some decisions for me!!
I went to the gym that night...
...and while I was finding my new groove...
My son was shot and killed that night.
...just turned 19 yrs old...
On top of that, my other son, 21 yrs. has told me to get out of his life, he blames me. If I had given in to what my 19 yr old wanted a week or so before, he would have been living under my roof once again and he would probably not have been in Carbondale on that night.
That's how he sees it...
The last 2 months have been a blur for me. I have lost 2 jobs. I have begun to have the most terrible panic attacks over everything. I am scared of everything. I finally realized that I am not doing well at all. For the last 2 - 3 weeks my family has been on me about getting back on the depression and anxiety meds that I more than proudly gave up back in November, and learning to concentrate on myself once again. I have felt everything from guilt to shame and everything in between.
I finally gave in... I went to the doctor, they put me back on my meds. I am taking them. I have had my counseling sessions doubled. I have been seen by a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with PTSD along with the depression and anxiety. I was given the most peculiar prescription... along with my meds, I am not to work for at least 4 - 6 months. I am to be out of my house at least 6 days per week doing... something (the doc said), and I am to only do my school work, as long as I feel I can handle it.
So, I chose being at the gym during the day.
So, today was the plan to go back to the gym. It was almost the scariest thing I have ever done. The whole time I was there I kept thinking I needed to go check my phone. I was afraid I would have a mondo panic attack when heading back to the locker room when we were leaving.
But... I did go!
I didn't check my phone till we were ready to leave, and it was OK, no emergency.
No panic attack.
I took the first step!
Nothing will bring my baby back. It's going to hurt, and hurt bad for a while... for as long as I breathe. But I learned today that life can go on. It has. It will. I will only be OK if I allow myself to be, so I have to allow myself to be OK again.
RIP my Angel...