Return to reality
Saturday, May 13, 2017
I've done well for the last two weeks. In some ways it's been too easy. The food has been easy to maintain and delicious. I've enjoyed my time at the gym, i haven't had a lot of temptation that wasn't easy to look away from. The last four days I've noticed less energy. I haven't slept well which contributes, but i think a lot of it is just getting used to fewer calories and a lot more exercise.
Yesterday was easily my hardest day. It started early with the realization that i hadn't picked up cupcakes for my son's "school birthday" he's a summer baby so his birthday wasn't on my mind at all. It's not a huge issue, but all week I'd looked forward to Friday morning. The only day I could get to the gym with more than an hour to devote. By the time i got the kids on the bus, delivered the cupcakes, and got back to the gym i only had an extra half hour. I had planned on being there three hours so i was super disappointed.
I decided to start with strength training which i know nothing about. I'd used the workout generator to set up a routine to help me along, but when i got to the gym they didn't have half the machines i was supposed to use. I didn't really know how to use any of them. I struggled through, guessing on half the machines. Then a woman i know showed up. We aren't friends or anything, which made it worse. She stood there all beautiful and thin in her trendy workout gear chatting with her friend as they started what was obviously a well- memorized routine. I purposely ignored her, but her eyes kept stopping on me regardless.
It's one thing to be glanced at by random strangers as they go about their routine, but feeling studied as I attempted to figure out how to work the machines with my big belly on full display was so humiliating.
So I gave up on that and went upstairs to work on my cardio. I should have just got on the elliptical, i know how to push myself on that. Instead i opted for the treadmill. I've heard that it's important to vary your workout, and i hoped i could start working on strengthening my bad knee. I'd love to get to where i can handle the impact of jogging. But every time I turned the speed up to that level i started to get fearful. Last time i pushed too hard in that way I had severe hip pain for a good ten days afterward. I just got too fearful and ended up feeling like i was wasting my time. I was sweating, but I just didn't feel like I'd pushed hard enough.
I got home just in time to get my preschooler off the bus. He, unfortunately, brought four mini cupcakes home with him. They sat there on the counter looking totally delicious. I added one to my calorie tracker to see how it would work with my day, and it actually leveled everything out well. At 125 calories it felt worth it so i indulged with my son after lunch. Unfortunately, i had another. At 250 calories it no longer seemed worth it. I finished the day ok, but by evening i was so hungry! My energy has been low, and i was feeling really cranky. I finally decided that this isn't a race, and so long as i made a healthier choice it would be ok to go over my calories. So i decided on dried fruit and nuts. But then i over indulged. I'm not devastated by it, and i did track all my calories, but for the first time since starting i blew my calorie range completely. At well over 2000 calories it was my worst day by far.
This morning i woke up tired and sore and a little discouraged. I'm not contemplating giving up, but i wish I'd fought the temptation harder...
Here's hoping this is a better day.