Therapy and Protein Powder
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
I love my therapist. I found a Groupon for the website BetterHelp.com that gave me 2 months of unlimited messaging counseling for $99, and I figured at that price I'd give it a shot. The first counselor I was assigned was an idiot, so I switched and got Lindsay. Lindsay not only almost immediately picked up on my main issues, but responded to them with zero judgment (as every counselor should) and with a soft, sweet kindness that makes me feel safe to say anything that's on my mind. I'm also able to book phone sessions with her if I want, and I had the second of those last night.
The summary is not really a surprise: my adoptive mom was emotionally abusive to me as a child, and despite having no contact with her whatsoever in more than ten years, it seems she still haunts me on a daily basis because I've internalized her. Yay. As it turns out, I never feel good enough, and I need to work on loving myself. I've been using an app called Buddhify to meditate when I first get out of bed in the morning which I think has really been helping my anxiety. I'm also just working on being less hard on myself.
On the marriage front, we had counseling on Monday and it was REALLY HARD emotionally. I told my husband was on the fence as to whether I was staying or leaving. We've come to the point where we know we're both at fault: he was a man alone on an island for a long, long time, and I tried really hard to get onto that island but I couldn't, so I gave up and went off to my own paradise. He has admitted that he let a lot slip by him because he wasn't paying enough attention to US. He says he realizes that now and wants to work on it because he loves me. I still think in my heart I've made the decision already but part of me wants to hope that something will change and I don't have to go, while another part of me is afraid to put much hope into that. My therapist and I have discussed at length what I need and am looking for in a partner and I'm just not sure my husband can ever be that person. That is most certainly not his fault, and with her help I have come to realize that it's not my fault either. I've been with my husband for 16 years, since I was 20. That's SO YOUNG and I've been through SO MUCH since then. I have grown and changed and my needs are not the same as they were then and that's both normal and okay.
Anyway, it's a process but I'm working on myself.
Also, thanks to all who provided input on blog topics! I decided to choose LIVEDAILY's to begin, so here's a link to my blog about protein powder: