150,000-199,999 SparkPoints 196,593

Therapy and Protein Powder

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

I love my therapist. I found a Groupon for the website that gave me 2 months of unlimited messaging counseling for $99, and I figured at that price I'd give it a shot. The first counselor I was assigned was an idiot, so I switched and got Lindsay. Lindsay not only almost immediately picked up on my main issues, but responded to them with zero judgment (as every counselor should) and with a soft, sweet kindness that makes me feel safe to say anything that's on my mind. I'm also able to book phone sessions with her if I want, and I had the second of those last night.

The summary is not really a surprise: my adoptive mom was emotionally abusive to me as a child, and despite having no contact with her whatsoever in more than ten years, it seems she still haunts me on a daily basis because I've internalized her. Yay. As it turns out, I never feel good enough, and I need to work on loving myself. I've been using an app called Buddhify to meditate when I first get out of bed in the morning which I think has really been helping my anxiety. I'm also just working on being less hard on myself.

On the marriage front, we had counseling on Monday and it was REALLY HARD emotionally. I told my husband was on the fence as to whether I was staying or leaving. We've come to the point where we know we're both at fault: he was a man alone on an island for a long, long time, and I tried really hard to get onto that island but I couldn't, so I gave up and went off to my own paradise. He has admitted that he let a lot slip by him because he wasn't paying enough attention to US. He says he realizes that now and wants to work on it because he loves me. I still think in my heart I've made the decision already but part of me wants to hope that something will change and I don't have to go, while another part of me is afraid to put much hope into that. My therapist and I have discussed at length what I need and am looking for in a partner and I'm just not sure my husband can ever be that person. That is most certainly not his fault, and with her help I have come to realize that it's not my fault either. I've been with my husband for 16 years, since I was 20. That's SO YOUNG and I've been through SO MUCH since then. I have grown and changed and my needs are not the same as they were then and that's both normal and okay.

Anyway, it's a process but I'm working on myself.

Also, thanks to all who provided input on blog topics! I decided to choose LIVEDAILY's to begin, so here's a link to my blog about protein powder:

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    ANd PS, thanks for this blog. The sky parted and a eureka moment happened when I read it. I'm actually a little welled up.

    My dad wasn't emotionally abusive. He just was judgemental and mean to people he deemed less than. He treated my mom poorly when she gained weight, and he was awful to her, and I saw that, he did it to everyone and his family did the same. EVERY time my family was together, I would freak inside. I would stress eat. I never felt pretty or thin enough.

    Now I know... I internalized that treatment. I treat myself like that like I imagine my dad would. When I was fat, the treatment...

    Thank you.
    668 days ago
    I'm sorry about your marriage. However, as I once heard, good marriages don't end. Sometimes if you can't grow together, you grow apart. It sounds like when he didn't let you on his island, and you found your own place, you grew into this amazing person you needed to be.

    I think you are awesome, FYI
    668 days ago
    So glad you found someone who works for you. it's critical. Until my current therapist, I've been in therapy before and something always kind of went wrong. You are doing everything you can for your marriage. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. I'm glad you know you are worth the work that you're putting in with therapy. I am so sorry for the pain you've endured. Hugs. emoticon
    673 days ago
    It sounds like you're having all the right conversions with the therapist. I was nodding as I was reading. I've been through my own bouts of therapy, each time to work on a different issue that I just didn't have the skill set to manage without getting some extra emotional tools. Your increasing awareness about who you are and what you want is good to read.

    Many hugs my friend. Ping me if you need anything.
    678 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    680 days ago
    I'm so glad to see you are actively working through things. It is hard to get down into the muck, but in the long run you will be healthier! Great job! Hugs
    680 days ago
    Kudos for enlisting the support of a counselor. Been there! And, can I relate to internalizing those that abused me and running them over and over and over again in my head, continuing to abuse myself long after I was freed from the abusive environment and safe. Counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy helped me change it. Such a relief!

    Whatever you choose to do regarding your marriage will be a well considered decision. Good for you for seeking support and guidance there as well. The work is tough. The rewards are great.

    Thanks for the share on the protein powder. I use a whey isolate produced by Wellness Resources. Had not used protein powders until I experienced an inflammatory flare last summer. It has really helped me.

    680 days ago
    A good support system is invaluable in life. Glad you are able to get the help you need. It sounds like you are starting new chapters in your lifebook. Embrace them and keep your head up wherever this chapter takes you. Remember you deserve happiness!
    680 days ago
    It is good you enlisted support of the counselor and do the marriage counseling too.
    Whatever you choose, it will be a well considered decision.
    680 days ago
    Sounds like you have an amazing counselor! I understand what you are saying about thinking you've already made a decision. When I'm done, I'm done; it means I've already tried as much as I can and a change-of-heart in the other person probably won't do much to change that. I absolutely wish you the best, no matter what. I think you are an amazing person!!!
    681 days ago
    Glad you like the second therapist and that you find her helpful. That's huge! ❤️
    681 days ago
    It sounds like you're getting good advice from your counselor, and the sessions, while hard, have been productive.

    Thanks for picking my question to deal with first!! lol
    681 days ago
    That is a great deal you got! How wonderful that you found someone so helpful. Best wishes!
    681 days ago
  • BJK1961
    So glad you found a good therapist in such a short time. It often takes people much longer to find a fit. I'm super glad that you are feeling a new focus on the issues and your feelings about those issues. Wishing you the best and every happiness.
    681 days ago
    That is terrific that you have a counselor who is helping! Sometimes that is so hard to find. I will pray for your peace and guidance on the other items, and for you to navigate them as quickly as God will allow. Hang in there!
    681 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by ADARKARA