This won't be a happy, upbeat blog...so stop reading now if that's what you are looking for.
I don't want to drag anyone down, don't want to start any fights, and don't need any criticism. I generally don't blog much, because I'm a pretty private person, and only feel like sharing when I feel like I've learned something that can help others. I don't expect this blog to help anyone. But I need to figure out how to help myself, so I'm writing it purely for that reason.
I feel stuck. Soooo stuck. My weight loss efforts are stuck. I have no motivation to try to improve my diet. And I know exactly why...I'm depressed. I've realized I'm an emotional eater, and when I'm happy and positive, I can eat healthy and exercise, and feel great and strong and motivated. When I'm feeling sad and defeated, I feel vulnerable and weak, and have no energy. Then I eat whatever is convenient, and don't feel like exercising. At the moment, I feel defeated.
Decisions are being made that will directly impact my life, and I have absolutely no control over the outcome. I foresee changes in the future that will cost me a lot of money, perhaps even bankruptcy. And I feel helpless to do anything about it. And it won't be settled for a year or two, maybe even more.
Since I can't do anything about it, my big problem for now is...learning to live with uncertainty, and making the best of each day anyway. I know that I've lived through a lot of tough times in the past and made it through. This time I feel like I have a lot more to lose (financially), and at my age it's harder, but...again, I have no say in the matter.
I feel like it's just my turn for sadness. I keep hearing the Simon and Garfunkel song, Sounds of Silence, in my head. "Hello Darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again."
I feel life is like that. You have ups and downs. I know that. I need to find ways to get through the downs better. I am at least maintaining my weight loss, so that is a good thing for me. I don't want to be in this "down" cycle for years...so trying to figure out a way to cope. It's situational depression, but I can't control the situation...so all that is left is controlling my reaction to the situation. Difficult to do, when the impact can be so great.
So...no answers here. Just thinking out loud, getting my thoughts organized as I figure out ways of coping. To my SparkFriends, I just wanted to explain if I'm absent from the site sometimes...there are days when I need a break from things. (I've been vague intentionally about what is upsetting me, because I don't want to open myself up to arguments from people. I'm happy to share more details with any of my SparkFriends...just send an email or a goodie, and I will respond and explain. But I felt blogging in general terms gets the point across.) Like I said earlier, didn't mean to bring down anyone's mood with this blog. Hope you have a good weekend. Thanks for reading and letting me "think out loud."