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A Difficult Week

Saturday, April 29, 2017

As you all know, I've started online counseling to deal with what's going on in my life and marriage. I've been in marriage counseling for more than a year, and while the little things have improved, the big things are exactly the same. I have worked hard to try to fix this, but through my own personal counseling I've come to realize that I've done everything I can and it's out of my hands now. If my husband doesn't decide he wants to change, there isn't anything at all I can do about it. I'm working on myself, my cookbook, my makeup business and continuing on my health and fitness journey, but it's been very difficult this week.

Thursday night was spent pushing back feelings with food. And it was definitely "avoiding emotions" eating. Sunbutter from the jar, dark chocolate, and the worst of all: half a sleeve of cardboard flavored saltines. SALTINES. With all that crap and being ovulation week of COURSE my weight is up. I've also eaten out 3x earlier this week: breakfast on Sunday, lunch on Monday and dinner on Tuesday for book club.

This morning, after a revealing message to my counselor and a talk last night with a close friend, I made a huge realization: I haven't felt truly at peace in a very long time. I'm always on edge, or have anxiety. There was a brief period after I hit my goal weight where I had a short stint where there were moments of TRUE PEACE. But that didn't last long.

My counselor has me working on mindfulness and meditation, because I may have conditioned myself to depend on physical workouts to control my mood and I need to grow my toolbox of coping mechanisms and retrain my brain to allow me to relax. So that's what I'm working on now. And here's my breakfast today:

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    you can only control yourself, no one else. hard lesson to learn ..... emoticon
    689 days ago
  • BJK1961
    You are working so hard on so many areas. It's no wonder you're stressed. Glad you have a therapist. Wishing you absolutely all the best!
    690 days ago
    Andrea, be as kind to yourself as you can. I'm beginning to work on my food issues and it's a deep dive. I also still have some anxiety - I actually had a mild attack this morning.

    It's tough when our partner won't change - mine won't go to counseling but as my therapist says, "you're the one in the chair" so we work on things that I can do without me becoming lost. I also practice mindfulness and really like some of the meditations online (Tara Brach) and the app, INsight timer. hugs and love. emoticon emoticon
    691 days ago
  • LUCKEE40
    I am so sorry to see that you are struggling my friend, but it seems that you may be going in the right direction. I truly hope your husband decides to make some changes to help save your marriage. If not then at least you know you tried everything and you can't ask for anything more then that. I want you to be Happy and find peace once again.

    694 days ago
    I have a story to tell you. I will try to spark mail you tomorrow.
    695 days ago
    You are not alone. I used workout to manage my moods until there truly were not enough hours left in the day to workout more. That's one of the times I got into therapy. Did a world of good. Big hugs!
    695 days ago
  • LPORTER2015
    Hang in there my friend. I'm going through family issues too and it really makes eating healthy difficult. You seem to be doing good right now. Just keep working on you!
    696 days ago
    Best wishes on your struggles - food, workouts, marriage. Sometimes the people we most want to impress are those that are least impressed. Some people just don't like change, even if it is better for you. I hope that things work out well for you, so that you are happy! Hugs!
    696 days ago
    696 days ago
    I have wondered how weight loss, and a change in lifestyle choices can affect a marriage. My husband is quite used to me sitting on the couch with him at night watching TV...if my gym time starts to interfere with his and I's time, I used to start hearing "you are becoming obsessed with working out" and it made me feel guilty...which is stupid because an hour a day 5 days a week is hardly obsessed. Since then (thats been a couple of years ago), I have had several talks with him that when i get my groove back he is not to tell me those things...I told him i need support, because that has been such a big part of my life, when he met me, I worked out a lot and cared about how i looked and felt. So I can see how making changes...even minor ones, over time can cause a change or issue in a marriage! I think you rock girl, you kick ass, and you have so much to offer. If you are not feeling truly at peace and it may be due to your marriage, it might be time to move on. it really takes TWO people to make things work.
    696 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/29/2017 11:14:45 AM
    I'm sorry about your marriage. He signed up for the girl that loved food, video games on the couch, and renfaire. You've suddenly become this muscle-bound goddess that loves health, exercise, and is building self-esteem. In an ideal world, he would come along with you. It wouldn't surprise me if he is coping by trying to pull you back into the world you both began in, or becoming sullen/moody/angry that his partner is now doing things that makes him feel "less-than." You were both bad-foody nerds, and now you are almost a nerdy-health-jock. It is a quandary. You can't go back to what you were before, because you will gain weight and lose self-love as you return. The geeky boys think they want Xena, but do they know what to do with her? Can they be confident if they are always worried that Conan will show up and steal her away? I feel for you both. I hope you can find a solution that works to leave you BOTH truly happy. It is certainly a campaign of challenges.
    696 days ago
    Working on mindfulness, meditation and a lovely healthy breakfast - so good!
    This will make you feel better.

    696 days ago
    Sounds like a good plan!!
    696 days ago
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