A Difficult Week
Saturday, April 29, 2017
As you all know, I've started online counseling to deal with what's going on in my life and marriage. I've been in marriage counseling for more than a year, and while the little things have improved, the big things are exactly the same. I have worked hard to try to fix this, but through my own personal counseling I've come to realize that I've done everything I can and it's out of my hands now. If my husband doesn't decide he wants to change, there isn't anything at all I can do about it. I'm working on myself, my cookbook, my makeup business and continuing on my health and fitness journey, but it's been very difficult this week.
Thursday night was spent pushing back feelings with food. And it was definitely "avoiding emotions" eating. Sunbutter from the jar, dark chocolate, and the worst of all: half a sleeve of cardboard flavored saltines. SALTINES. With all that crap and being ovulation week of COURSE my weight is up. I've also eaten out 3x earlier this week: breakfast on Sunday, lunch on Monday and dinner on Tuesday for book club.
This morning, after a revealing message to my counselor and a talk last night with a close friend, I made a huge realization: I haven't felt truly at peace in a very long time. I'm always on edge, or have anxiety. There was a brief period after I hit my goal weight where I had a short stint where there were moments of TRUE PEACE. But that didn't last long.
My counselor has me working on mindfulness and meditation, because I may have conditioned myself to depend on physical workouts to control my mood and I need to grow my toolbox of coping mechanisms and retrain my brain to allow me to relax. So that's what I'm working on now. And here's my breakfast today: