At the beginning of my journey this year, I decided to write down everything I was experiencing. This was to be a reminder and something to read when I achieve my goal to see how far I've come.
I checked my weight history and I was 210 pounds in 2014. I weighed 225 in 2015. Tragically my aunt & uncle were murdered at the end of 2015 and my devastated family went into a deep grieving state, I gained and gained. That was the way I grieved. My weight ballooned to 286. Coming out of my grief and depression, I knew that I needed to do something about it.
I'm sharing this because I want you all to know that I understand. Whether you have 5 pounds or 500 pounds to lose, it's so darn hard for everyone. I will stand by each and every one of you through this journey building ourselves up.
If you are on Fitbit, feel free to join me. I love to do daily and weekly challenges. Let's keep each other motivated!
Ok, so here it goes. This was originally written for only me. I didn't change a thing.
Next week, I plan on starting a life pattern change to get healthy. My weight is at an all time high this decade. 284 pounds. The heaviest I have weighed is 320 and that was back in 2007 when I stopped driving OTR and lost over 100 pounds. Well, I’ve gained a lot of it back and for that I feel like I let myself down. I can think of a lot of reasons why i’m gaining weight. Depression, loss/grief, just letting myself go, lack of self-esteem, career stagmentation, debt, shopping addiction and the list goes on.
I want to write this so that I don’t forget what it feels like to be where I am at right now:
*My belly feels like it’s a separate thing sitting on my lap when I’m sitting down.
*I can’t suck my tummy in anymore to make myself look slimmer.
*There is no gap between my hip roll and my ribs.
*My hips poof out and no shapewear can smooth that out.
*I have to wear large brief panties.
*My bra size went from 36DDD to 40G
*My shirt size is between 2XL and 3XL in the plus size range
*My pant size is 22 and even that is starting to get tight
*I’m not sure if my weight has anything to do with it, but my period cramps are the worst they have ever been. Now I’m having the pass-out intense pain every month and they have been so bad that I vomit. Unfortunately, I don’t vomit after eating a bowl of ice cream and reese cups.
*I had to buy new clothes every 6 months because my old ones don’t fit anymore
*I don’t wear high heels anymore. I prefer to wear flats or sneakers.
*Public Restroom stalls are so tiny. I prefer the handicap stall.
*I have to spread my thighs before sitting down on the toilet seat
*I don’t feel like I look attractive at all
*I pee myself easily when I laugh or sneeze
*I can only walk 10 minutes before my ankles start to burn
*My phone pedometer says that I walk an average of 976-1533 steps per day
*My hips hurt when I get up like I have arthritis when I’ve been sitting for more than an hour without getting up
*I feel hesitant about getting a job interview because I believe there is no way they would want to hire someone as fat as me.
*When I look at group pictures, I believe that I am the biggest person in the group
*I don’t think i can be a good friend, sister, daughter, cousin at this weight
*I know I can’t be a good wife at this weight and I feel like I am not deserving of my marriage. I feel like Aaron suffers from the symptoms of my obesity.
*I don’t want to go do anything. I don’t have a positive outlook anymore. I just want to sit on the couch.
*I avoid public interaction and events because of the state of my body and my emotions
*I don’t feel ambitious and am not motivated to do anything
*I can’t see past today at my future. It’s hazy and I don’t see myself ever getting the energy to do anything with my life. Not like I used to.
*My stomach feels like a big flap. I remember the days i called it my belly burrito- and it was so small back then.
4/3/17- Weight & Measurement Update
4/25/17- Weight & Measurement Update
Chest --oops, i forgot to measure this!
My Fitbit URL