This is my personal journal from the start of my journey-be warned this is very honest

Friday, April 28, 2017

At the beginning of my journey this year, I decided to write down everything I was experiencing. This was to be a reminder and something to read when I achieve my goal to see how far I've come.

I checked my weight history and I was 210 pounds in 2014. I weighed 225 in 2015. Tragically my aunt & uncle were murdered at the end of 2015 and my devastated family went into a deep grieving state, I gained and gained. That was the way I grieved. My weight ballooned to 286. Coming out of my grief and depression, I knew that I needed to do something about it.

I'm sharing this because I want you all to know that I understand. Whether you have 5 pounds or 500 pounds to lose, it's so darn hard for everyone. I will stand by each and every one of you through this journey building ourselves up.

If you are on Fitbit, feel free to join me. I love to do daily and weekly challenges. Let's keep each other motivated!

Ok, so here it goes. This was originally written for only me. I didn't change a thing.


Next week, I plan on starting a life pattern change to get healthy. My weight is at an all time high this decade. 284 pounds. The heaviest I have weighed is 320 and that was back in 2007 when I stopped driving OTR and lost over 100 pounds. Well, I’ve gained a lot of it back and for that I feel like I let myself down. I can think of a lot of reasons why i’m gaining weight. Depression, loss/grief, just letting myself go, lack of self-esteem, career stagmentation, debt, shopping addiction and the list goes on.

I want to write this so that I don’t forget what it feels like to be where I am at right now:

*My belly feels like it’s a separate thing sitting on my lap when I’m sitting down.

*I can’t suck my tummy in anymore to make myself look slimmer.

*There is no gap between my hip roll and my ribs.

*My hips poof out and no shapewear can smooth that out.

*I have to wear large brief panties.

*My bra size went from 36DDD to 40G

*My shirt size is between 2XL and 3XL in the plus size range

*My pant size is 22 and even that is starting to get tight

*I’m not sure if my weight has anything to do with it, but my period cramps are the worst they have ever been. Now I’m having the pass-out intense pain every month and they have been so bad that I vomit. Unfortunately, I don’t vomit after eating a bowl of ice cream and reese cups.

*I had to buy new clothes every 6 months because my old ones don’t fit anymore

*I don’t wear high heels anymore. I prefer to wear flats or sneakers.

*Public Restroom stalls are so tiny. I prefer the handicap stall.

*I have to spread my thighs before sitting down on the toilet seat

*I don’t feel like I look attractive at all

*I pee myself easily when I laugh or sneeze

*I can only walk 10 minutes before my ankles start to burn

*My phone pedometer says that I walk an average of 976-1533 steps per day

*My hips hurt when I get up like I have arthritis when I’ve been sitting for more than an hour without getting up

*I feel hesitant about getting a job interview because I believe there is no way they would want to hire someone as fat as me.

*When I look at group pictures, I believe that I am the biggest person in the group

*I don’t think i can be a good friend, sister, daughter, cousin at this weight

*I know I can’t be a good wife at this weight and I feel like I am not deserving of my marriage. I feel like Aaron suffers from the symptoms of my obesity.

*I don’t want to go do anything. I don’t have a positive outlook anymore. I just want to sit on the couch.

*I avoid public interaction and events because of the state of my body and my emotions

*I don’t feel ambitious and am not motivated to do anything

*I can’t see past today at my future. It’s hazy and I don’t see myself ever getting the energy to do anything with my life. Not like I used to.

*My stomach feels like a big flap. I remember the days i called it my belly burrito- and it was so small back then.

4/3/17- Weight & Measurement Update
Weight 285.8
Hips 54
Waist 48
Bust 47
Chest 39
4/25/17- Weight & Measurement Update
Weight 276
Hips 53.5
Waist 46
Bust 46
Chest --oops, i forgot to measure this!

My Fitbit URL
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh many familiar things in your post. Good for you for being brave enough to share this with the world. You are not alone in this battle. emoticon
    1181 days ago
    It is hard, but I know you can do this. You are emoticon
    1301 days ago
  • SUNSET09
    To thine own self be true emoticon We all should as at the end of the day, it's about us. emoticon emoticon
    1305 days ago
    I think that we can all relate to some of the things you wrote. Best wishes!
    1305 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by LIVIE1231