An Epiphany or Two...
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
I realized something today about myself. I compare myself to EVERYONE...LITERALLY. I am in a training this week in preparation to deliver the training. As part of the process, everyone in the room was introducing themselves and talking about their experience. I was listening intently when it suddenly hit me...I AM COMPARING MYSELF TO EVERYONE. Someone would say, "I did this for x number of years" and my brain would say, "Oh, it's OK. You did it longer." That went on with every single person in the room. Then I observed that no one else had the management experience I have...and I actually felt a glow. It was a huge relief to know that I had 25+ years experience and only one other person was even close. So...who the heck is keeping score??!!! Why did I care so much?
I don't think it was vanity. I think it was more...I'm OK. It's OK because they will all see that I'm smart and accomplished and experienced...and WORTHY. They won't possibly believe that unless I make sure they know what I've done.
So... just when I think I'm better about things like that, I realize I'm not. Not really. Most of the time I live like I don't need the approval of others...but I still do. I HATE THAT. But at least I'm recognizing it. More self-talk for me.
The other epiphany is that I may not be binging, but I'm still very obsessed with food. I had gotten more in the mindset of "food is fuel." But I'm more in the mindset of "how much can I eat and not go over my calories." It's not so much about eating because I'm hungry, as just trying to get as much of what I want in me. That's not good. I have to get my focus elsewhere. If I'm obsessing over food, it's for a reason.
So - the game plan.... Well, the first issue is a lifelong issue and I've found that personal mantras and talking back to that voice in my head works best. I'm going to be talking to myself a lot this week. The second.. I think the biggest thing is realizing that I'm doing this again and being honest with myself. FOOD IS FUEL. It's not a reward. It's not a comfort. It's not my BFF. It's fuel. I am going to treat it as such.
I GOT THIS.