Update: Emotion Edition
Thursday, April 20, 2017
So I finally decided that things weren't going to get better for me unless I went to counseling. A good friend of mine told me about BetterHelp.com and I found a Groupon that made it only $99 for 2 months of unlimited messaging counseling. Basically there is a messaging app on their site, you send a message, and your counselor responds to you in 24 hours. You can also schedule phone calls or live messaging sessions if you like.
The first lady I had... well... let's just say I felt much more intelligent than her. She didn't actually ask me any relevant questions and when I said I felt lonely a lot of the time she told me to get a pet. I HAVE A DOG and if you'd asked me I'd have told you that. The good news is they let you switch no problem, and the new person I have is fabulous. We're going to have a phone session sometime next week.
Yesterday I had a bout of emotional eating. It's funny to call it emotional eating, because for me what it really is is "avoiding emotions eating". I tracked every bite of it.
The biggest thing I've been struggling with is loneliness. Loneliness both in my marriage and when I'm actually alone. When I don't have someone to message with when I'm alone or when things are slow at work, I get very morose. I know this isn't good, and I need to learn to be okay when I'm alone. When I'm actively performing a task I'm too busy to think of being alone, but sometimes I get into a funk and can't focus on a task. Here's an example:
Our marriage counselor says my husband needs to start going out and giving me some time alone at home, because I was feeling frustrated with having no alone time. So Mondays we both have off from work, but he volunteered to go to work and do some stuff for charity this week so I could have some time at home alone. I did my usual morning routine and was fine, but when it got to my free time it was rainy and cold and I was just so heart crushingly lonely. I wound up going to browse at Kohl's, because I didn't want to be alone. That made me feel worse, because, let's face it, it's depressing in there. I went to Barnes & Noble hoping my friend was working, but I didn't see her so I walked around there for a few and texted a friend. B&N was actually a decent place to go, because there were a lot of people there and I could hear the friendly voices of the staff. I eventually went home and started dinner, and my husband was home soon. THEN THE SUN CAME OUT.
I actually spent some time talking to him and crying a lot that day. I really wanted alone time but when I got it I was still miserable. WTF. That's definitely something I'm working on with my counselor.
On a positive note: I'm running my first Younique Facebook party starting tomorrow and there are THIRTY FIVE PEOPLE in the group! I hope they like me! lol.
Lastly, on Monday night I made baked ziti and brought that, a loaf of Italian bread and a cake my husband made to my friend Amanda's house. She has two teen boys and their father is a deadbeat dad who is selling the house out from under them. The older boy has debilitating anxiety and is on medication for that... but one of the side effects can be suicidal thoughts. He had those thoughts last week and is now in a day program while they taper him off the meds and onto something better. Amanda is struggling financially as it is, and the day program is $45/day, so I brought them some nice home cooked dinner for the boys. The older boy is a sweet, sensitive kid who has a crappy dad and terrible anxiety, and I just wanted him to know someone cared. I got a message from Amanda the following evening: "He had a really bad day today, but when I asked him if there was anything at all good about it, he said 'ziti'." That tiny act of kindness was the bright spot in that boy's day, and it made me feel so good. I had a rough childhood too, and it kills me to know what they're going through. If I can do anything to ease some of that I will.
Today the sun is out and I feel pretty good. I need to buckle down and make a timeline for my cookbook and get crackin!