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Big truths...

Monday, April 17, 2017

218.

Yep, that's what I weight right now.

That is the biggest I have ever been in my entire life, including at 9 months pregnant.

I am miserable. I keep thinking back to when I was 139, back in like 2009/2010 or so. I was so happy. I felt good about myself, I knew I was doing good things. I was energetic and I could do all the things I wanted to do.

Now, I'm officially in a XXL for the first time in my life. I'm tired nearly all the time. I get sick easier. I am unhappy with how I look and feel. I get winded easily and I could spend hours on the couch. Some days I just can't seem to face life.

I want to make promises and goals, I really do, but they haven't worked out for me for years now. I come back her every now and then, but I don't follow through.

I'm at a loss at the moment.

I plan on starting up with workouts tonight, for what feels like the one thousandth time. One problem I am going to have is that I have gotten too fat for my knee brace. Boo. I may have to special order one as I can't find one any bigger than the one I already have anywhere around here.

Anywho, call this a cry for help I guess. Even though no one can really help me, but me. I'll do the best I can do right now. I'm currently single so at least I have plenty of time for meal planning, food prep, and exercise.

Thanks for listening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ONEWEIGH
    Well, phooey. I'm sneaking in and looking around...trying to decide whether I want to start using Spark again. I'm "only" up 20 pounds, but that's got to be where it stops. We did it before, we can do it again...but it's SO HARD!!!
    437 days ago
  • CRADLEY
    Glad to see you are back - I'm kind of restarting myself. Start with small steps - it's the easiest way to reinforce the things that work. For this week, I'm working on drinking my water and tracking everything that I eat. I'd like someone to help keep me on track, so reach out if you'd like the same.
    441 days ago
  • THINNERME2009
    You've said it over and over again, it takes that small step forward and then other pieces start to fall into place. You know you can do it, you've done it before. Admitting the need for help, can be a hard thing, but you've got support here!!
    455 days ago
  • ARUNNINGKAT
    Today is the day that you are start working towards YOUR goals! I know you can do it!
    457 days ago
  • TERRI518
    I'm going through a bit of a set back myself. It's not easy sometimes to stay on track -- life can get in the way. What I did was go back to the first day I started and asked the questions: Why was I doing this? What did I want to get out of this? and Who was I actually doing it for? All my answers were for ME to be Healthy. The most important thing I did not do was share my goals and what I needed to do with my family. For you, go back to the basics -- start out doing just 10 minutes of movement each day and gradually increase it the time. I know you can do it and most important think positive! We are here to help you reach your goals.
    457 days ago
  • JENSTRESS
    I was talking to my best friend this weekend. We were talking about the fact that we are doing Whole 30, exercising, (she's doing cross fit right now, I'm doing similar things, but at home, because I can't go to the gym without issue) but that this is FREAKING HARD. I think I always thought that I would just like being fit (I do) and then I'd stick with it. But that isn't how this works. You have to kick your own ass every freaking day. Some days are easier, and attitude helps, but honestly, you just have to keep going every day. No, you really shouldn't eat some things. I know spark is about moderation, and I'm not saying that doesn't work for people (IT CLEARLY DOES) but I know for me, there are foods that are gas pedal foods. I just GO until I'm out of that food. I'm a binge eater and pretty freaking gross sometimes. I have an issue with food, and I don't want to. I'm not sure what started it, I know there were probably millions of things. What I do know is this. I don't have to dispose of food (by eating it) to get it out of my house. I CAN survive with a bite of something. I CAN have it again if I want, chocolate, cookies and cakes won't disappear from the planet. I will have them again someday. However, they aren't good for me to have daily. I feel like crap if I do. I'm done making excuses for myself. I just need to treat my eating and life and realize I'm a grownup and that means having willpower, saying no sometimes and treating myself better.

    Feel free to message me if you want to vent, because I've been there.
    457 days ago
  • RADOOGA
    Hey beautiful! Strangely, I logged onto here for the first time in months a few days ago, and I looked you up...odd that you should come back now. I now weigh 210, so nearly 40lbs up. Sh*t! Do you want to do this together? I remember the first time, there seemed to be a handful of us together, and it was really motivating. I always looked forward to your blogs and comments.
    For me, losing my dad, and trying to settle back into work, being married, has all meant a lot of comfort eating, not a lot of moving...so that even walking is becoming painful, although I think I have to push through the pain barrier.

    I'm here if you want a friend to do this with, it would be a pleasure x
    457 days ago
  • CHRISSYWILSON80
    Do you not have anyone to motivate and support you in your changes? If you don't, spark is a great place to come to daily to get that inspiration and motivation. Remember also to start small, make small changes. If you do too much too quickly, most people will rebound. If you get winded easily, start small with just walking, walk around the block or even just up and down the street a couple times. Each day things will get a little easier. If you need a motivation buddy, I'm here and would love to help motivate/encourage you!
    457 days ago
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