Digging even deeper
Saturday, March 11, 2017
My last entry had some realization that has happened. My journey into self discovery and true healing continue. I have had some more realizations since my last post. First off, I struggle with anxiety. I have for about 14 years now. The first two years, I had no idea what it was. It wasn't until I was about 20 that we figured out I was having panic attacks. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. When my ex-husband got into legal trouble and there was a great deal of stress and a TON of pressure placed on my shoulder, I gained a TON of weight and struggled even more with anxiety. Well I gained all my weight, all 75 pounds during an extremely stressful 9 months (that I was not pregnant).
I had been doing great losing weight about a year ago. I lost 45 pounds after having my daughter and currently sit at my pre-second pregnancy weight. Lately I have struggled with anxiety again, although it is manifesting itself differently. But I have had more awareness and recognize my symptoms before they become a big problem. I am managing but struggling. I have platued again. This has lead me to wonder if my weight problems are tied to my anxiety. Unfortunately, it feel like a circular problem. When I feel anxious, I eat, when I eat I gain weight and turn towards food that makes me more anxious. But this, this is a HUGE realization because if I don't know what the problem is, I can't fix it. Awareness is the key to change. I can work on better managing the anxiety now that I know what it is.
I have believed for a very long time that my weight is a mental issue not a physical one. My eating functions much more like an addiction than compulsive. I do not have a compulsive personality.Actually I overthink everything. Knowing the root of the problem gives me power.
I have also had several friends encourage me to start dating again and tell me that my weight shouldn't stop me from dating because the right guy will love me anyway. The problem that I have with that is I really do feel like my weight is a reflection of how I am doing mentally. Prior to meeting and marrying my ex-husband, I was on the underweight side of life. I was 5'8" and weighed 130 pounds. I have since had 2 kids so I realize that I will never again be that small, and that is not my goal but I would love to get to pre-wedding weight of 150 and mostly be in a healthy range. I also realize that there are specific habits that are leading to my weight not changing...eating out and sugar.