A revelation

Monday, March 06, 2017

I fought myself the entire 35 minute ride to the outlet stores.

"I don't care how much money it costs, I'm going to buy some damn work out clothes"
"But don't spend too much"
"They're crazy if they think I'm paying $35 for ONE pair of pants"
"Well, if they fit I guess one pair is good".
"Are you crazy? $35 for one pair of pants? I'd rather be fat!"
"Whatever it is, keep it under $100".
"Maybe I should just go to the vet and pick up the cat's food instead".
"It's a nice day, just keep driving".

I have been in a funk for over a year now. It's not the first time and it surely won't be the last. I remember the downfall came during therapy that was supposed to be helping me. I felt lectured. I felt like a failure because I couldn't just "do" what I knew would work. I made the decision to let go of a guy who wasn't healthy for me. It had all been fun and games. But then it stopped being fun. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. This wasn't how it was supposed to end.

I used to be a person who could make split second decisions and just roll with the outcomes. I've turned into a person who agonizes over every choice. This isn't me. This isn't who I am.

I almost put all the clothes back when the girl said $105.
"You're not worth it". "You will never stick to it". You can't do this". "You've already committed to being fat. It's just easier this way".

Then, I called my best friend.

"I just spent $100 on work out clothes". And proceeded to start bawling. I got a cell phone violation ticket a few minutes later which did not help my cause either. It was only $50 and it should have been more since this was my 3rd violation in the year. Maybe he felt bad for me because I was already crying when he pulled me over. "Just bring the clothes back because it's just not worth this extra money"

My best friend said all the right things as I continued to cry. I don't know why I've let myself get this bad. I don't know why I've let myself feel so awful for so long. I hate that I can't just make myself do things.

'you're taking the first step" she said.

I know...I just didn't think I'd be so emotional about it.

So here I am again. I'll be looking into two different gyms tomorrow. I've got this...let's get going.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I love clothes and I am a true shopper when it comes to fashion. But I also watch carefully the costs. I have had the best luck with workout clothes, inexpensively I might add at Old Navy....Most of my leggings with very attractive designs are from there. I am a small size but wear a medium in the leggings. They fit wonderful but remember, they do run small.
    1082 days ago
    I think its great you spent some money on you you deserve it, taking care of you is so important emoticon
    1082 days ago
    So I am stuck working out in the same frumpy, ratty clothes I have worn for the past 30 years. I think you are blessed to get to buy workout wear. Please enjoy it for me!
    1082 days ago
    I go to a bigger town a couple hours away, a few times a year, but my to-do list gets so big, workout clothes is a low priority and doesn't get to hapoen.
    1082 days ago
    I have been wanting to buy actual workout clothes like they wear in the exercise DVDs I use, but nobody sells such things in my small town.
    1082 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.