Monday, March 06, 2017
I fought myself the entire 35 minute ride to the outlet stores.
"I don't care how much money it costs, I'm going to buy some damn work out clothes"
"But don't spend too much"
"They're crazy if they think I'm paying $35 for ONE pair of pants"
"Well, if they fit I guess one pair is good".
"Are you crazy? $35 for one pair of pants? I'd rather be fat!"
"Whatever it is, keep it under $100".
"Maybe I should just go to the vet and pick up the cat's food instead".
"It's a nice day, just keep driving".
I have been in a funk for over a year now. It's not the first time and it surely won't be the last. I remember the downfall came during therapy that was supposed to be helping me. I felt lectured. I felt like a failure because I couldn't just "do" what I knew would work. I made the decision to let go of a guy who wasn't healthy for me. It had all been fun and games. But then it stopped being fun. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. This wasn't how it was supposed to end.
I used to be a person who could make split second decisions and just roll with the outcomes. I've turned into a person who agonizes over every choice. This isn't me. This isn't who I am.
I almost put all the clothes back when the girl said $105.
"You're not worth it". "You will never stick to it". You can't do this". "You've already committed to being fat. It's just easier this way".
Then, I called my best friend.
"I just spent $100 on work out clothes". And proceeded to start bawling. I got a cell phone violation ticket a few minutes later which did not help my cause either. It was only $50 and it should have been more since this was my 3rd violation in the year. Maybe he felt bad for me because I was already crying when he pulled me over. "Just bring the clothes back because it's just not worth this extra money"
My best friend said all the right things as I continued to cry. I don't know why I've let myself get this bad. I don't know why I've let myself feel so awful for so long. I hate that I can't just make myself do things.
'you're taking the first step" she said.
I know...I just didn't think I'd be so emotional about it.
So here I am again. I'll be looking into two different gyms tomorrow. I've got this...let's get going.