Wednesday, February 15, 2017
I have asked this of myself many many many times. Today, I got an answer I was NOT looking for.
So I started a new jo...I mean, "position". The short version? I began volunteering somewhere I thought I wanted to work, and in this little package of experience is everything I ever hated about me and life and other people in general. All are represented there in one place, EVERY-DAY-I-GO.
Needless to say this brings up a lot of drama internally, and I spend a lot of the time I am there trying to control myself, my tongue, and my actions. Great fun, this. (NOT!) But today....today I tripped over the biggest bloody root system I have ever seen in the recesses of me. It's called, "approval of man".
Yes! Approval of man! This THING that when I don't get it (if it's a season where this matters to me) my emotions FREAK OUT. And of course, guess what comes with that freak out? Every freaking temptation known to man in the edible form. I was wondering what in the heck had gotten into me today when I was craving every horrible thing for me (that doesn't happen a whole lot anymore, and then there it was - BAM!) and I realized it's that root...this spinning~spinning~spinning because in front of me is something I *think* I want, and the fear that I won't ever, or can't ever, have it. And realizing that decision has a whole lot to do with a few key people's opinions of me.
So now I am educated...and off my plan for the night. Bugger.
Starting again...now. I need to dig this up. Otherwise, it's just going to go on forever.