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Did We Do the Right Thing?

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

We got some very bad news today. My husband's stepfather passed away this morning. It was very sudden--he was playing soccer with his kids on Sunday.

I came home to help my husband make arrangements to get down to Peru, board the dog and all the other things that need to be done. He was thinking to leave tomorrow, but the funeral is Thursday, and after my siblings missed my grandmother's memorial because of flight delays back in August, I thought it would be better to leave today.

But as we were booking tickets, I could tell...I don't know. I could tell he didn't want me to go. He kept saying how he didn't want me to complain about him not translating fast enough or not knowing what's going on, because he wouldn't always know what was going on. I said I just wanted to go to help, and he said I can't. So I asked if he even wanted me to go, and that my feelings wouldn't be hurt if he said that I would be in the way.

There's a big part of me that didn't want to go, either. I was nervous about dealing with all the logistics on this end, boarding the dog, asking for subs for my part-time weekend gig, missing a ton of time I need to work on my quilt making homework, paying for two last-minute flights, dealing with jet lag, and yes, that I would actually be in the way and be dead weight through all this.

But now that my husband is in the air, I am starting to regret this decision. Maybe I should be there. It sucks being here all alone while this is going on, and I know my husband was having a hard time dealing with the travel alone. I don't know if we made the right decision. I just don't know.
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  • PROVERBS31JULIA
    So as the Johnny-Come-Lately - how did it all work out for you two? I totally get the frustration of not being interpreted fast enough etc as sometimes my husband just starts drowning trying to tell me what I'm missing. I've had to learn to just kinda chill out and not worry about the deafness and not understanding everything that hearing people want to say...and if I pick up a word or two there and they stay on context, eventually I kinda get an idea. I also try to remember things that I did hear or observe so I can ask my husband later "when they said ... or did...., what was going on there?" etc and if he hasn't forgotten already, he'll get me up to speed later. I imagine your husband was grateful to be able to share what happened, what was most important to him, when he didn't have to stop and struggle with interpreting (which is a high functioning ART - not everyone can keep two streams of language straight in their mind and switch back and forth!!).
    565 days ago
  • MINDYJ1
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    757 days ago
  • BUTTONPOPPER1
    My dear BEATLETOT, you did the right thing. You'll know for sure when he gets home and reassures you, but I have a strong feeling that y'all made the right decision. You are so sweet to think of your husband all alone in the air and wish that you were with him, but from everything you have said here, it's clear that there was no pressing need for both of you to go, and I assume that since I am reading this three days late, either a happy reunion has already taken place, or you will soon be reunited and return to your happily married routine.
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    759 days ago
  • HICKOK-HALEY
    I too am sorry for your loss. Sometimes when someone is taken quickly like that, we just need that time alone to reflect. Your Hubby will be fine. I think you made the right choice. emoticon
    761 days ago
  • AUNA_SKATE
    It sounds like he wanted to be alone this time. Sometimes it helps when things are really quiet. I think that you definitely did the right thing this time. I'm sorry for your loss. Your dog will be happy that you are home.
    761 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
    so sorry to hear of your loss..........
    sending positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

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    762 days ago
  • BROOKLYN_BORN
    I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult decision you had to make.
    I agree with the others that you did the right thing.
    You are with him in spirit and he knows that.
    762 days ago
  • KALIGIRL
    My guess is you both made the right decision - you are there in spirit and he will have his hands full dealing with family.
    762 days ago
  • SEAGLASS1215
    I'm sorry to hear of your loss...and it sounds like you made the right decision. Sometimes it is okay to not be there physically. When my mother was at the last few days of her life, my DH wanted to be there with me while I sat with her in the nursing home but I needed him home, taking care of the kids and pets, keeping things running smoothly. He honestly would have been "in my way" -- even though I love him dearly, it was much easier to handle everything by myself in the nursing home. There was little he could do for me by just sitting there with me, and when she finally passed after three very long days, he had used that time to get the kids' clothes packed, rent a mini van to drive him, the kids, and the dog the 100+ miles away where I was, arrange for someone to get the mail and take care of the cats, etc.
    762 days ago
  • PIXIE-LICIOUS
    Brenda, I'm sorry for your husbands loss. I said a prayer for him. As for the rest of it, I also agree with KRISZTA11

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    762 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/15/2017 8:16:51 AM
  • MERMAIDSPIRIT
    sorry for you loss. emoticon

    KRISZTA11 said it very well - I agree and won't repeat...

    762 days ago
  • KRISZTA11
    I'm sorry for your loss.
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    I believe this is the kind of decisions when both options are equally good and bad, and none of them is much better than the other. I'm sure your husband knows you love him and support him, and stayed at home considering what is the best for him.
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    763 days ago
  • WHITE-GREEN
    Sorry for your loss...
    How long will it be until your husband comes back?

    You did not say if your husband actually said that it'd be better if you stayed home. I assume he did?

    You can always support him I think by phoning him daily? Asking how he's feeling and what's happening? So he knows you think of him. And of course you can ask him if he feels it was the right choice.

    I agree with the comment that your husband will be among family.

    It may also be a relief for him knowing you are home and taking care of things while he's away?

    763 days ago
  • YESICAN61
    Your husband will have lots of family support down there. He will need your support after all the practicalities are over and everyone goes back to their lives. Enjoy your dog and your quilting and put the decision behind you.
    763 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
    Sorry for your loss. emoticon

    Please, don't beat yourself up. The two of you made the decision. Your husband will, no doubt, still need and appreciate your support when he returns home.
    763 days ago
  • VIBRANT4LIFE
    So sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you and your family.
    763 days ago
  • MOTOSGIRL7
    So sorry for your loss... it sounds like you made the right decision in my opinion... this stuff is tricking and honestly don't think there's any wrong answer.
    763 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    Sorry for your loss. Your husband will be ok. Your love for him will get him through. Praying for you & your family. emoticon
    763 days ago
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