CROUCHINGFLEA
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Day 132/ I think I made a friend!/ VLCD

Thursday, February 09, 2017

I've been on a kick about getting my kids more involved, but people don't realize how hard that is when you have anxiety. It will be easier once I have my service dog, but that is well over a year, year and a half away, if not two years away. I can't wait that long. So I'm looking for things that we can do. It seems like everything you would have to drive a long way, on the interstate, to get there. No interstate driving for me, I have panic attacks being a passenger on interstates!! I found a few things kinda close. One is a drop off program, I can drive to it, it is in my 'driving range' lol. But it is hard core, change classes every 30 minutes. The hard part was that I overwhelmed myself with searching and trying to decide what to do. I won't be able to join any of these things til next semester, I don't need to stress about it. I can find play groups to join in til then and I'm sure I can find a tween activity that doesn't cost an arm and a leg to join as well. for now I'm starting going to the library events, and that will get us started. *big breath out* I can do this.

I think I made a friend, K!! She is young, has a 2 and 3 year old, one of them is autistic. Her DH is in the Guard and is about to be deployed soon. I'd say she needs a good support system! But she is sweet and chatty to make up for my not being chatty and she knows about all kinds of things for homeschoolers even though her kids are so young. She was already talking about going on field trips together. I think I have another case of someone saying, "I like you, you are my kind of weird. We are friends." That is what happened with C. She just decided we were friends and that was that! But that is pretty much how it has to be with me, I have such a hard time making friends! So pray for me that this turns into a friendship, I need a friend, and it sounds like she does too. I friended her on FB, because she gave me a major hint that she wanted me to, and we even chatted a bit on there last night. Sweet.

I can buy my homeschool stuff today!! Can you believe I'm getting all this stuff (Science, science notebooks and teachers manual; early American history, Grammar kits for grade 4 and 3, Unit study on the Appalachian Trail, 2 art books, 2 devotionals, and 2 poetry books) for under $300?!! I want to switch what math my oldest DD is doing, but it is pricey and I just bought her this book that she is ong. I think DH would have a conniption, LOL. Not that the book that I got her was pricey at all, under $30. Which is amazing. I'm going to supplement the history with books from the Library, the site has a list of books for sale that I'm going to get from the library instead. But they are all things that go along with what we will be reading. Science is botany, which is perfect, I got an Aerogarden for Christmas and the girls got fairy gardens that we have not planted yet. Some of the herbs from the Aerogarden we are going to transplant into pots, so we can have them year round, not just til they choke themselves out in the Aerogarden.

Still depressed. Last night was hard. I seriously overwhelmed myself. Then I was in that I-don't-want-to-do-anything mode. Like nothing. Not painting, being on the computer, nothing but I ached like there was a void. DH sat and had dinner with me while the kids were at AWANA (He brought me Chinese) and that helped. But I felt so.... apathetic. That is the perfect word for it. I hardly slept at all and when I did I had horrible flashbacks and bizarre nightmares. This morning I feel much the same way, though not as bad. I'm trying. I'm going to go work out in a few, even if I only do a mile. Exercise helps. Then we are going to the store to get the stuff for lunch today (Aung G is coming over, she sounded depressed too) and the stuff to make my Green Glow Juice (Kale, Spinach, carrots, cucumber, parsley, apples, oranges, lemons) to give my system a kick.

I'm going to go back on the VLCD next week, I think. I was tempted to start it last night, but I have food to eat and I don't want to waste it b/c noone else will eat my spicy guacamole or superfoods cole slaw style mix. So once the food that one one else will eat is gone, I'm going back on the VLCD. I think it is best. I'm not doing well at all on this program b/c I'm not sticking to it like I should and I'm just like, maybe if I have no options, I know exactly what I'm going to eat and when and there is no decision making to do, I'll do better. Of course last night it was more like " *&^$ food and *^*# eating" Then DH came home with the Chinese food and I was like, "I love food!" Oh, but I need to stay away from comfort food. I need time to resolve myself to the fact that, being diabetic there are some foods I just can't have, like the sugary cereal I ate as comfort food that shot my blood sugars up. I just can't have that any more, or I'll crave it. I'm not the kind of person that could have just a small serving and be satisfied with have tasted it, so that won't work for me. I know, everything in moderation. But in some cases, like this one, that just won't work. But I can find other cereals, like the Kashi ones, that taste good too, so if I feel like having cereal I can without it killing my blood sugar. Substitution I guess is better. I also need to learn portion control. I've been eating healthy things, but lots of them. I've been eating brussel sprouts and green beans and asparagus... in large amounts. I need the time on the VLCD to change how I view food. I thought I had done that before, but then food comes along and I'm all Omnomnomnom... I'm not beating myself up. I think I needed this experience. I needed to revisit how I was doing with food, overeating and portion distortion and feeling deprived if I don't get a slice of whatever too. I think that having the weight loss come to a grinding halt when I was doing so well, was also what I needed to show me that I can't go back to eating the way I was. I gained. Because there for a while I ate what I wanted. Chinese was definitely not on the approved eating list... at least not what I ate.

So that is what is running through my head this morning. I'm a weird mix of excited about getting the homeschool stuff but at the same time so depressed I don't care. I'm fed up (pun intended, lol) with food and eating too much and I'm going back on the VLCD (very low calorie diet - medically supervised), I'm overwhelmed with all the homeschool stuff going on and I think I need to back off for a little while, at least til I'm not as depressed and overwhelmed. And I possibly made a new friend. I hope I did. That would be awesomeness. I need more friends that are here in GA. And I'm going to kick depression's butt. I'm going to workout, paint, make green juice, do everything I can think of to alleviate this depression and anxiety.

I hope you have a wonderful Thirsty Thursday and don't forget to hydrate! emoticon

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SILVER1369
    emoticon emoticon
    1275 days ago
  • LPORTER2015
    You have a lot going on daily and it don't seem like you ever have alone time. Try to meditate and focus on positive thoughts throughout your day. It may help!
    1275 days ago
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