Beginning yesterday, I’m back on crutches. Before that, I was walking with a walking stick for several days to keep weight off the left foot.
Dec 2014, I broke my fibula and completely destroyed my ankle. By the grace of a good surgeon, I was sort-of reassembled. High and even medium impact activities (including walking) were always hard, and my old love – hiking – had been shelved for a long while. I’ve been flirting with a second surgery for about a year now. I kept putting it off because, frankly, I am scared of the upheaval it will cause in my life. I’m supposed to defend my PhD thesis in a few short months. I NEED my leg. I need to be able to get to school every day, to meet with advisors and colleagues, to be ready to fly to an interview at the drop of a hat, to live my life (relatively) pain free so that my mind is focused and unfettered.
But now I cant bear weight. Nothing, per se, happened. I just… couldn’t put weight on it anymore. (The skinny of it is that hardware broke last year, and it's all part of that same problem). The surgeon cant see me for a consultation until mid-Februrary. Who knows when I will get it worked on?!
So, for now, I hobble. I miss my legs, even as weak and kind of uselsss as they seemed anyway. Going down the hall at school to pee is a monumental task – and let me tell you, my bladder is pea-sized. If I could set up mty laptop in the school restroom to write, I’d no doubt get more work done. :P
But I’m okay. **In fact, I’m better than okay.** I don’t want a single word of sympathy. This encourages me to re-commit to myself every day. I admit, there were days in the past few weeks when I wasn’t as committed to myself as I was in early December. And even though I didn’t ruin my diet or gain, I stagnated myself. No more setting myself up on plateaus. **The only way I’m ever going to reclaim the life I want is if I re-commit to myself eeach and every day -- multiple times a day, if needed.**
Don’t take a single day for granted. That’s the lesson I’ve spent 34 years trying to learn. Don’t spend a single day hurting yourself (or your health) unnecessarily; take care of yourself as if you were your own child. Be gentle, loving, patient, and kind to yourself. Above all, respect yourself. Be the first promise you commit to fulfill every single day.
I’m not there yet but life lessons like these are what push me closer to where I want to be. I was never gifted with good health. I’ll probably never have what is considered “good” health. My genetics and early life history precludes that. But that doesn't mean I can't give myself the best health possible. It isn't a reason to neglect or abuse myself in any way.
Time to hobble down the hall to the bathroom. I need to pee again.