Can't stop fighting, can't afford therapy
Thursday, January 26, 2017
I fought with my husband last night and this morning, and even though we made up before he went to work, my heart is still doing painful palpitations. We fight about money, and my daughters and my ex husband. This is normally the kind of thing that sends me straight to stress eating, but I'm trying not to do that. I can't walk until my heart slows down, either, so I guess I just have to write.
He and I both are under so much stress. He's gone all the time, every day of the week either working or going to class, so we have limited time to talk about anything. He's worried about his current job, where he works constantly and doesn't make much money and no job security, and I'm worried about so that and so many other things. I just got insurance, but my doctor wants my blood work done and I have to pay my deductible to do it, and that's going to be seriously tough. I'm still getting my strength back from being so sick with my Hashimoto's, but I already need a job. This autoimmune disease has destroyed my memory and concentration, to an extent that I still struggle to deal with my new circumstance. I used to know Excel, but I'm having to relearn how to use it and my brain works so differently now that I don't know how to learn. I get so frustrated. And scared, to tell the truth.
I can't take a job where I have to stand for a long time, either, because of my health. I know that the Hashimoto's makes me more irritable, and I'm definitely moving into the menopause years, which doesn't help at all. I worry about my daughters, and I worry about my parents. I worry about the state of the world. My husband is an immigrant and I worry about life getting harder for him.
Under the best of circumstances I'm a nervous person, but with all the stresses in my life now, it's worse. My anxiety level is so high, and when my husband does or says something less than ideal, I explode at him. I know this is what happens. I knew when I married him that we would have challenges to face, since he's younger than me and from a different culture, religion and country. And, it turns out, we are on different spiritual and philosophical levels. Which shouldn't be a surprise, considering. I know we both have to try and be extra understanding with each other. I know I have to work on being the kind of partner my husband can turn to when life gets tough. But stressful times make it all so hard.