An average day in my life with depression
Monday, January 23, 2017
Relieved to have your head hit the pillow at last, you're somewhere between laying down feels amazing and noticing every ache in every joint of your body. Your back throbs as your head rejoices that the day is over. But what did you accomplish?
Your heart sinks even lower.
You begin to critique just how little you did but your eyes grow heavy and you pass out from pure exhaustion.
Should you be needed during the night by one of your little people, you throw your legs over the side of the bed to force your body upright... you continue to stumble through the dark with your eyes only opening briefly every few steps.
The alarm sounds, the baby cries... is it really morning already? As you pry your eyes open you see the daylight in your window and groan.
You use your leg tossing technique once more to get upright. As you sit on the edge of your bed trying to open your eyes... you notice you still ache, maybe even more than the night before. Your brain reminds you to get moving so the kids won't be late and the dread fills your entire being.
"Please Lord..." you whisper as you stand to your feet.
Time moves fast and the kids too slow but somehow, you manage.
Coffee, that will help... you impatiently wait for the "finished" beep to fill a cup, 2 cups, 3... but you remain the same.
One child wants to play, the other needs to eat or be changed. You manage, no matter how slow or unenthusiastic you may be.
Time has seemed to slow drastically as you count down to nap time, during which you WILL sleep or you surely will not survive the day.
Once again, you force yourself awake. All children have returned and need help with their homework, the toddler needs a snack and the baby wants attention... you deal with one thing at a time as you cannot multitask at all.
Your phone beeps again. Another text from a relative, another message from a friend. You must decide, do you give a quick reply or will they just keep responding?
Do you wait until later, maybe it will be a better time?
Do you ignore it completely for a few days because you just can't right now? Will they understand?
Hubby will be home soon from working all day and you have nothing to show for your day. Maybe you start some laundry, or unload and load the dishwasher just so it appears you did SOMETHING.
Dinner. Do we really need to eat? Thank goodness your husband sends a text telling you that he will take care of dinner when he gets home.
Failure. Lazy. Worthless. Bum.
Some wife. Some mother. Some friend.
The baby smiles... a squeeze from the toddler, a helping hand from the older kids, an "I love you" from your husband.
You feel so blessed. So loved.
The smile fades as darkness shouts, "why?! Why do they love you?!"
The battle rages as evening ends...
Relieved to have your head hit the pillow at last...
But hang on...
Don't give up...
You open your eyes one morning to see the sun shining in a new light...
At last... even if only for a moment.
You whisper, "thank you, Lord..."
Depression is more than sadness... and there is no shame in seeking help.
If you know someone struggling... just love them and be patient.
Fellow warriors of the dark... white knuckle on... you.are.loved.
*I am currently doing wonderful💜