Well, I made it through the first week of 2017 and ended on a high note. With my eating disorder, I've finally made peace with that to see any long-lasting change, I have to approach my life with moderation. It's extremely difficult to give up the memories of losing 6 pounds in a week and going from running 1 mile, to 3.1 miles, to 13.1 miles in a matter of months. Those days are long gone, and I'm left with the choice to 1) continue to reminisce and stay stuck, or 2)accept I'm not capable of that at the moment and meet myself where I'm at.
I made a conscious decision to choose #2.
So as alluded to in my previous blog, the beginning of last week was just like the beginning of every other week... except for the rest of the world it was January 1. Over the course of the week, I saw my class sizes shrink from 47 to 37 to 27... waiting out the next couple of weeks will hopefully bring it back down again to where there is space to move!
I had several different wins this week. While they aren't remarkable relative to other things I have accomplished, I find myself very proud for sticking with them.
1. I made it to the gym 4 times. Nia and BollyX are my loves.
2. I tracked my food and water intake everyday. This year, I decided to take it back to pre-technology and bought a food tracking journal. For where I am at in my recovery, it's helping because it doesn't focus on tracking calories or nutrient-specific stats. Instead, it focuses on Breakfast, Snack, Lunch, Snack, and Dinner. Keeps me accountable without feeling crazy.
3. I lost 2.2 pounds. This is a HUGE deal to me because I didn't lose ANY weight last year. The weird and amazing thing is, I'm not even doing it for weight loss this time around. Do I have weight to lose? Yeah, quite a bit... but it's not my motivation. I want to stay active because I feel better about myself and the way I look, even at the weight I am at, when I am moving and eating right and treating myself well. Before, I believed that only went along with being at a certain number... now, I've proven to myself it is about the act of caring for myself that actually makes the difference. Who knew?!
So... The Year of Maude. What's that all about? Through therapy, my therapist pointed out that I have 3 very different and distinct voices in my brain... the first one is the ED - it's the one that is super rigid, has to count calories and focus on the numbers, and get to the gym 6 days a week, no exceptions. Nothing else matters and nothing is good enough. The second voice is the polar opposite of the ED, the voice that when nothing is going right just gives up on everything and says "screw it". This is the one that can put away a DQ ice cream cake and not want to leave the house for a week because of the shame.
These two voices have been at war for most of my life. It's exhausting.
Recently, however, I was reminded that I have a third voice, albeit small and quiet, inside that is gently cheering me on. This is the one that reminds me it's not possible to be perfect, the one that encourages a middle-of-the-road approach so I don't feel like I can't enjoy life while actively caring for myself. This is the voice of moderation... the voice I don't know very well, but want to get to know.
So in order to get to know this voice better, I decided to name it. Her actually. The voice of Moderation is now Maude... it's been quite helpful to name this part of my brain that is helping me recover from extreme thinking as I have found myself thinking "What would Maude do?" As if this identity is a older sister or girlfriend that I look up to for wisdom. The answers vary. The other day, Maude went to the gym for BollyX, then went out to breakfast with a friend and had a mimosa. And it felt good, because it felt authentic... it wasn't overdoing it but it wasn't denying myself and what I wanted either. Martinis and sushi will always have a place in my life.
It's an exciting new phase I'm in. I hosted friends for a vision boarding session yesterday. My theme focused on what I want more of in my life. Fun, Friendship, 5K's... I'm looking forward to it!