Diabolus ex Machina
Friday, December 09, 2016
Ha ha ha oh man this was an ironic day, through absolutely no fault of my own I sent The Wrong Email to The Wrong Person (a partner told me to but it turned out that partner was wrongedy-wrong-wrong), and it was a colossal disaster, and everyone kept saying, "It's not your fault," and I was like, "I know it's not my fault," but I was still getting copied on all the emails among the partners like, "What are we going to do???? This is so embarrassing!!!!" etc. Which was making me feel like I might have a stroke right there on the spot.
But in the back of my mind I was thinking, OK, well, maybe I'll get fired and I won't even have to quit. And also thinking, even if I don't get fired, at least now when I do quit, everyone will be like, Oh it was because of that incident.
The irony of it is my boss had nothing to do with any of this story, directly (although I feel like he's indirectly to blame for putting me in the situation that I was in and making me into the aggressively efficient, hyperactively proactive, monstrously autonomous creature that I am, but that's more boring backstory), and in the midst of everything that was happening I emailed him to say I had an emergency (and not in the sense of please help me but meaning, there's been an issue here with a client and you need to be aware of it), but when he called and I was explaining what happened I started crying hysterically, like a little kid, gasping for air and trying to talk at the same time, even though I knew it wasn't my fault and I wasn't going to be "in trouble," but this whole week has been so bad and this was the cherry on top and I thought I would die right there on the spot.
And he was telling me it didn't matter and I'm too much of a perfectionist and he would "take responsibility" for it, which like, made me feel like, Oh no come on, please don't rescue me, please don't pretend to be my hero.... But he sent everyone an email like, "I take full responsibility for this!", even though he had nothing whatsoever to do with it which everyone knows, and now it's like he's loyally stepping in to shield his beloved idiot of a secretary, and now I feel like, OK so now I'm supposed to be all grateful and protected and cherished when I do not want any of those things from him.
But I also realized I will never, ever get fired from this job, and now I feel like, should I leave a job which is pretty much 100% secure, at least until my boss retires or dies which will probably be at least another 10 years? To look for a job that is on the endangered species list?
Earlier today when this was all going down I felt like, this is it, really and truly the last straw, I can't come back from this. And then by the time the day was over I felt like, well there's no turning back from this now. I mean the opposite. Like first it was, now I can't possibly stay in this job, and now I can't possibly leave.
This is exactly the type of situation when I definitely would binge, cuz my god I just need some comfort, I need something to make me feel better, something to reward myself for making it through this day, something to console myself, but I have a damn 15k race in the morning and if there's anything that might make me feel even worse than I feel right now, it's running 9+ miles in the cold stuffed to the gills with barely digested junk food.