This is a vulnerable post for me
Thursday, December 08, 2016
I have tried for many, many years to lose weight. I have been an on again, off again member of sparkpeople since 2009. I never struggled with weight before I met my ex-husband. I was actually on the side of too thin, to the point where my doctor would check on me thinking I needed to gain weight. Now I know it is all too common for people to gain weight when they get married because they get comfortable but I don't think mine was that.
I am currently reading a book by Jon Gabriel called, "The Gabriel Method." In this book he talks about the emotional side to weight gain and our Fat programs. Tonight I started reading the chapter on "emotional obesiety" and much of it rang true to me. He stated in the book that a lot of people gain weight as a survival and hide behind their fat. I realized that for me, this is 100% true. I gained all my weight between September of 2008 and July of 2009. Thus prompting me to join this site. In that time frame, I gained 75 pounds...yes you read that right. 75 pounds. I had never been overweight a day in my life. I never even had baby fat as a baby so I should have known then something was wrong. But I didn't. So I am reading this book and he begins to talk about emotional abuse and how sometimes we gain weight to put distance between ourselves and others. I began thinking about what was going on in my life at that time, when I gained all my weight. My then husband had just been arrested for exposing himself at work and of course he was fired. Then his lawyer "suggested" that he not get a job because he was most likely going to jail and would not be able to keep his job (later I found out this part was a lie). He was unemployed for an entire year leaving all the provisions up to me while he usually hung out at home playing video games. I am a loyal person so I stuck around and supported him through this mess. Hoping he would change and eventually grow up. Well he ended up having to go to jail, being court ordered therapy and was not allowed to be out in public per this therapy. That left shopping, paying bills, etc also on my shoulders. We were very isolated and again, I supported him in this. All while losing part of myself (I am a naturally extroverted person and love being with groups of people when I feel up to it). Years later I have found that he was a pathological liar. He was stereo typical in making me feel like everything was my fault to shoulder the guilt he carried. He was incredibly narcissistic in his ways and took advantage of my loyalty. I am not writing this to bad mouth my ex husband but to grasp what I have lived through and the strength it has created. My point is to show that the emotions have taken over and that's when I gained all my weight. I allowed this to happen but I am not holding onto the guilt. I am forgiving myself.
In my last post I talked about how I like to work out, eat plant based, drink water so what is my problem. Well, I think I have discovered it. Being heavy drove my husband to an emotional distance and I did that to keep myself safe. He was not so much a husband but a "friend" (albeit a poor one) and I wanted it that way because of the way he treated me. Well I am not in that relationship anymore and in fact, he is no longer in my life at all, even though we have kids together. He has abandoned me and the children. and at this point, I am not sure that that is a bad thing. It just lets me realize that I need to and can now heal. Now I just have to decide what my next steps are. Do I seek counseling? Do I go through my insession program again? How do I address and work through the emotions from years of abuse?
I also have to celebrate how far I have actually come. I understand my self worth and I eliminate people from my life who do not treat me as they should. I cherish those who have helped me and stood by me when I have been at my worst. I have also lost over a hundred pounds total. I lost 60 after having my son in 2012. Gained 40 while pregnant with my daughter and I have since lost that 40 pounds. I have about 30 more to be healthy, 40 to be my pre-wedding weight and 45 to my ideal weight. But first, I have to learn to care for me and deal with the emotions.