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Brief Update

Saturday, November 26, 2016

I have a computer program running in the background (for my research) and I'm sipping black tea (not coffee! oh my!). I'm also AWAKE by 7am... it's as if I'm a whole new person today, hah!

It's been a busy rollercoaster of the past two weeks, and I frankly have no clue where it even went. I don't even feel I have work to show for it. But that's another issue entirely. I figured it was high time I did a little update to say where I'm at, if for no other reason than my own posterity.

I'll start with the bad and end with the good, I think.

emoticon Weight: Um, well... I've either stayed the same or legitimately GAINED weight, I'm not sure which. At my weigh-in two weeks ago, I was unchanged from my highest weight yet. At my weigh-in last week, I was up 2.4 pounds. My diet wasn't the best, so it could be legitimate. It could also be some muscle gain... some water retention... or all three. I got bummed but then I realized that, honestly, until I fix my diet I'll be very lucky to see any downward movement on that scale. Just because I'm not eating the way I did when I gained anymore doesn't mean that I'm eating to lose. But, ah, that WILL be changing this week!

emoticon Food: I mostly covered this in the above. Yes, by and large, the obscene overeating and hideous food choices are improving. (Don't ask me about the not one but two packs of holiday oreos I have eaten over the past week. Just being honest.) But I have come to realize that I have some serious food issues again -- or, rather, that I fooled myself into thinking they left. It's so bad again that I would starve myself all day and then eat nothing but cookies for the sugar rush. My SO, so help him, is no help, poor guy. So, I'm enacting new rules. He can buy for himself but it cannot live in our pantry. I feel guilty because, when we first met, we were going to be co-cheerleaders: he'd just lost 100 lbs, I was still losing... and then, wham! a year flies by and we're both at our heaviest weight yet. I know I'm not responsible for anyone's poor choices but my own but I feel bad that I've once again become a co-enabler instead of a co-motivator. But I'm finally becoming aware just how dangerous an obsession and addiction food is for me. I've fooled myself several times into thinking I've curbed my issues only to have them rear up stronger and harder than before. I can't continue to live like this. It will kill me. I don't know how to cure this just yet -- especially because my eating disorder isn't as simple as just overeating, it's about the starvation and binging patterns too -- but I will overcome it. I will not live like this forever.

And, I know, I said that this blog would be short. Sorry. :( Moving along.

emoticon Fitness: This is where I've seen the most improvement but even then I've fallen short of my goals and expectations. A lot of it is just time. I'm still trying to find a schedule that is essentially foolproof. I know it's going to be a process and I finally realize I won't find the "perfect" schedule (a hangup until earlier this week, actually) -- so now I'm just jumping in with both feet. D*** the torpodoes and all that jazz. I swam Wed and Thurs, and would have Fri but for my neurological issue. I was inclined to beat myself up but then what would that accomplish? Nature of the beast. There are some days I will NOT be able to swim. I need to accept that and move on. Striving for perfection only leads to procrastination. So, I'm building in not one, not two, but THREE workouts into my daily schedule. Here's my thinking: I want to be able to do all three regularly, but if I have a superbly busy day or a day when I just physically can't do it all, maybe I can at least make one or two. I'm planning to do two 10-15 min bursts in the morning (right after waking and one later in the morning or just before lunch when I'm at school), and the second in the evenings (swimming). On weekends, I'm to try to swim longer working myself up to an hour.

emoticon Water: This is naturally improving, especially as I increase my workouts. I'm just trying to be more aware of how much I'm drinking again, and making sure at BARE MINIMUM I'm getting 164 oz. Most days, I think I'm getting at least 180 oz. now. So, big improvement here but I can tell my body actually still wants MORE water, so I think I'm still technically dehydrated. I'll try to drink an extra liter each day this weekend if I can to see if that helps.

I start the weight management program on the 29th (Tuesday). I can't wait now. I will follow the diet they give me to a "T" and work my butt off for the next 20 weeks. If I do this, I can get back to the weight I was last December -- 270 or so lbs. It's hard to not feel like that is NO progress (since I can so distinctly remember being that weight and being unhappy there too) but I'm in abject misery at 340. I would take 270 again in a heartbeat.

I am going to end with a new mantra that, although I don't believe it, I need to pound it into my skull until I do.

I am a lovely and unique person. I deserve better. I deserve a life filled with joy, peace, and health. I need to live like I mean it. I need to let my inner brightness shine through.

I've posted the Desiderata by Max Ehrmann before, so I'll only share this powerful snippet now.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Well, life has it's roller coasters that we all ride. You're back, you are aware, you are planning. All good.
    1660 days ago
    Don't fret over the weight. It could be muscle mass
    1660 days ago
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